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Anonymous User wrote:When I was eleven years old, I learned the definition of “mail-order bride” through a rumor spread about my mother by an older student at my elementary-middle school. Basing his claim off of my mother’s Asian phenotype, broken English, and marriage to a Caucasian-American man, he must not have known that my mother had lived in the United States since her mid-twenties and had earned a Masters degree from an American university several years before meeting my father. My brother and I, half-Cambodian and half-Caucasian, were the sole examples of an ethnic minority among our classmates at our small, Catholic school in most years. During childhood, my construct of “normal” this is weird was predominantly shaped by my homogenously white, conservative, and middle-class peers and neighborhood, to which my mother’s Asian ethnicity, Buddhist religion, and poorly concealed diagnosis of bipolar II disorder often drew gossip and whispers. This last sentence is unnecessarily long/wordy and has grammatical issues. As for the paragraph as a whole, I would be more up-front and less obtuse about your mother's mental illness and I would take out the mail-order bride thing. It feels just dropped in.

The exclusion I felt in childhood on ethnic and cultural grounds has provided me with a perspective I may not have gained within my community otherwise. My intimate familiarity with intolerance towards immigrant minorities and stigma surrounding mental illness has shaped a personal frame of reference to relate to others who have been granted far more challenging social positions you are trying way too hard to sound smart and you are accomplishing the opposite. As a result, I have sought to make a difference in a way that reflects my values of tolerance, equity, and dignity. Academically, I took great interest in matters pertaining to social equity and stratification, which ultimately led to a choice to double major in Sociology and Political Science as well as coursework in two sociology honors seminars regarding XX and XX topics. As Recruitment Director of Break Away, a campus student-run volunteer organization, Break Away, I centered my efforts upon seeking a more diverse demographic of students to enhance the collaborative and educational experience of participants to fill our service trips. I also credit my past experience in leading me to the classroom of a high-need, urban school, which allowed me to serve as a compassionate and patient source of support for my students enduring difficulty both inside and outside school walls. Through my work as a policy intern at XX, I constructed and researched proposals to improve outcomes for students at failing schools and low-income communities to improve their access to higher quality teachers and schools.
[tie into law degree]

francesfarmer wrote:who have been granted far more challenging social positions you are trying way too hard to sound smart and you are accomplishing the opposite.

Anonymous User wrote:

francesfarmer wrote:who have been granted far more challenging social positions you are trying way too hard to sound smart and you are accomplishing the opposite.

I'm actually not- that's how I write. Not offended by you saying that, but can you tell me how you got that impression?

Anonymous User wrote:Okay, point taken. My hesitation from a content perspective is whether it is in my interest to write a statement where I divulge on material that is potentially TMI. I don't think an essay where I throw a pity party for myself and seem to be conquered by adversity portrays me as someone who perseveres in the faces of challenges. Thoughts?