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My second draft-critique...PLEASE!!!
Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 9:46 pm
by mason.zh
here is my second draft, please critique
Re: My first draft-comments, edits...PLEASE!!!
Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2012 10:50 pm
by chadbrochill
Hi there,
I'll be honest, I think this PS has a long way to go, and I am guessing by the time its ready, it won't resemble what it is right now so I won't go too deep into grammar/flow issues.
I think far too much time is spent on the specifics of your companies legal issues, and what little you speak of yourself feels very bland and difficult to get a sense of who you are in the midst of everything. I think its good to describe your firsthand experience, but it can be shortened and achieve the same goal.
Paragraph 3 is really where your PS starts and while there is a lot there, I think better organization of your ideas would help the readers come to the conclusion you want them to.
The way I read it, you seem to be business determined, willing to leave your comfort zone to pursue your dreams and then 1 set-back makes you question everything and want to be a lawyer. I think maybe talking more about your motivations/ambitions and experiences can help the reader connect the dots smoother.
Feel free to PM me if you need help brainstorming ideas
Re: My first draft-comments, edits...PLEASE!!!
Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2012 12:02 am
by mason.zh
chadbrochill wrote:Hi there,
I'll be honest, I think this PS has a long way to go, and I am guessing by the time its ready, it won't resemble what it is right now so I won't go too deep into grammar/flow issues.
I think far too much time is spent on the specifics of your companies legal issues, and what little you speak of yourself feels very bland and difficult to get a sense of who you are in the midst of everything. I think its good to describe your firsthand experience, but it can be shortened and achieve the same goal.
Paragraph 3 is really where your PS starts and while there is a lot there, I think better organization of your ideas would help the readers come to the conclusion you want them to.
The way I read it, you seem to be business determined, willing to leave your comfort zone to pursue your dreams and then 1 set-back makes you question everything and want to be a lawyer. I think maybe talking more about your motivations/ambitions and experiences can help the reader connect the dots smoother.
Feel free to PM me if you need help brainstorming ideas
Thanks for your comments. I am working on the second draft. Expect your furhter suggestions when it is done....