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please critique statement

Even though this exposure ultimately sparked my interested in the field of criminal justice and the legal system

This sentence needs to be deleted.

Just off the top of my head I'd say it's overlong. There's a lot of resume-reciting that can be deleted or curtailed to fix a lot of that. Almost all that information can go on your resume, and there's no point explaining why you want to be a lawyer, or even a PI lawyer, with that background. At least I personally wouldnt think so. I also don't see an obvious relationship between the first 5 paragraphs and the rest (save the last).

Without reading, I can tell you that it's more than 4 pages long. It needs to be cut down by almost half for basically every school except Boalt.