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Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 8:52 pm
by fruitoftheloom
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Re: Too raw? Need feeback on PS

Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 9:22 pm
by Younger Abstention
Did you ever reconnect with your mom? Help her with her addiction? Why was your dad crying? While it's most important that you discuss how this all affected YOU, if you're going to be that specific regarding your family situation, you need to bring these topics full circle. To be honest, maybe the reason I want to know is because I was more intrigued by your family situation and your various family members than I was with you -- which is most certainly not a good thing were I an adcomm.

Re: Too raw? Need feeback on PS

Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 10:21 pm
by mmbt123
i think this could definitely be very interesting. i'd start with making changes to the 2nd and 3rd paragraphs...namely pick ONE example for each and elaborate. You don't need to get into everything you've done; I assume you'll do this in a resume.

and if you didn't help your mom/reconnect, maybe focus it on your dad?

Re: Too raw? Need feeback on PS

Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 10:35 pm
by fruitoftheloom
Thanks for the help guys. Will start with edits in the morning. You're the best.

Re: Too raw? Need feeback on PS

Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 11:07 pm
by TheZoid
While conventional wisdom is that ur PS is high-risk low reward, I think this is a compelling story and you demonstrate certain qualities I would want as an ad com. Only thing I would scrap is the financial security- they don't want to see you're doing it for the money. Just focus on a tough situation building you into a stronger and better person, finding a job and realizing you have a passion for law.

Re: Too raw? Need feeback on PS

Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 11:33 pm
by txdude45
I also really liked this PS. It flowed well and the first paragraph really grabs the reader. I agree with the above poster that the financial security paragraph could call into question for a reader your motivations. However, I'd wager they'd be more likely to conclude you were simply committed to doing better than your father could. Even parents want this for their children, so I don't see it hurting you.

My one criticism is cosmetic. You say "there was no expectation in my family that I attend higher education." I think you meant "there was no expectation in my family that I attain a higher education."