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thanks
Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:06 pm
by Anonymous User
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Re: Diversity statement - please critique
Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 1:19 pm
by mmbt123
I really enjoyed reading this, and it had my full attn throughout the essay!
Re: statement - brutality is kindness
Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 11:34 pm
by Anonymous User
thanks, mmbt123.
can anyone else offer some advice?
Re: statement - brutality is kindness
Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2012 11:49 pm
by fruitoftheloom
I think overall the statement is good. Is this your personal or diversity statement?
Some grammar tips:
Still went to friends parties and talked about movies and shows with them, but as we all got older, I started to be made aware that I wasn’t like them.
The first part is a fragment, you need a subject "we" or "I".
It took me years of self-exploration to write of those who would try and diminish me, so that I could fully accept that I didn’t have to chose an identity.
I REALLY like this paragraph, but I'm not sure that I would make it only "write". Maybe accept/discuss, something like that?
I thought I had, through self-exploration, moved past that need, but I guess I had been wrong.
I don't like this part. I feel like you can just end it before this because when I read this I thnk you need outside validation and might be emotionally needy.
OVERALL - I really like your statement. I think it's good and only needs minor revisions.
Re: statement - brutality is kindness
Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:00 am
by Anonymous User
thanks, fruitoftheloom!
It's my diversity statement. I agree that the ending is weird. I wanted to end without that, but I tried to force an "ending" onto it.
I have this weird tendency to randomly omit personal pronouns, 'I' in particular. I'll comb back over it and make sure I didn't miss any others.
Any more critique is more than welcome!
Re: statement - brutality is kindness
Posted: Wed Nov 07, 2012 12:41 am
by fruitoftheloom
There support itself was a tacit acknowledgement that there was merit to who I was.
wrong their.
ALSO - just FYI - I like this a LOT as a diversity statement. I was slightly scared of it as a personal statement
