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Need Feedback on 1st Draft
Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2012 3:16 pm
by Anonymous User
Down for editing.
Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft
Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:39 pm
by SantIvo
OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.
I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.
Good luck!
Re: Need Feedback on 1st Draft
Posted: Sun Oct 28, 2012 7:48 pm
by bobbypin
SantIvo wrote:OP, IMHO, pretty much everything stylistically wrong with this PS is on display in the first paragraph -- ostentatious prose, loopy abstraction, and an absence of substance.
I'd scrap the majority of your statement and delve into the details of your post-collegiate job. Expanding on this sentence in particular ("My position had me assisting with the restructuring and rebranding of the company, acquainting me with trademarks, copyrights and contracts") would be a good starting point.
Good luck!
I agree.