PS Draft -- Advice appreciated. Favors rewarded ;) Forum

[Brody]

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[honeycomb]

This jumps between topics way too frequently, but the good news is you have some good material in there, you just need to narrow your focus.

I was very engaged with the beginning part about piano; of all of your different subtopics in here, I would choose that one as it sounds like you have the most passion for it. It also is somewhat unique and you clearly have the capability to tell the reader a good story.

Also, the paragraph that goes on about all of the people that have told you that you're wonderful needs to go. You just come off as arrogant.

The only other thing I would suggest is that you show rather than tell. You don't need to tell the reader that your passion and perseverance would translate into life as an attorney, adcomms will know that if you convince them that you possess those qualities as a pianist.

[Brody]

Thanks, honeycomb. I agree with a lot of what you say, particularly regarding the abrupt topic changes.

Is there any way to include the story about my fifth-grade classmate, Cody, without coming off as arrogant? I included it because it is a large source of my passion and drive. The kid really did look up to me, poverty largely prevented him from any hope of success, and I want to help folks like him out.

And as promised, feel free to PM me anything you have that you would like someone to look at. Thanks again.

EDIT: typo

[honeycomb]

I definitely think you can!! I think it only sounded arrogant because it was just a laundry list of compliments (great for you, but not so necessary in a PS). Maybe try rewriting it by describing him and his background and then ending with how he told you that he looks up to you. That will make you seem caring first and foremost.

[Brody]

Great, thanks for your help! I was worried it might come off as self-serving, so I thank you again. Having another set of eyes look over a PS is very helpful.