Final draft. Rip to shreds Forum

[Anonymous User]

Final draft rip to shreds. Looking for grammar points and content review.
EDIT: Tried to make it more succinct and posses better flow.

Sitting in the secluded office, I feverishly go through old documents, editing them to match new formats. I take no time noticing the stacks of transmittals and messages needing answered and completed. It is 9:00 AM and my first shift without my supervisor is underway. The judges, attorneys, and all of the innocent victims in the county are counting on me. Making a mistake is not an option. The lives of innocent people are at stake, homes could be lost, and victims could be devastated once more. They, the innocent victims, are my responsibility. Two hours in, the phone rings. With the sweat beading on my brow, my hands shaking, and self-doubt filling my head, I answer.

I began volunteering at the Monongalia County Victim Assistance Program during my junior year of college; it was a wonderful experience. I was able to interact with people from all walks of life and gain valuable insight into the daily proceedings of the criminal justice system. When I answered the phone that day I spoke with a former sexual assault victim. He told me his life story, how he was sexually assaulted for a period of five years. He was called a liar constantly being shunned by his family and made out to be the black sheep. This led to a thirty year struggle with flashbacks of the acts committed upon him. The call came from out of our county and even though the man was not under our jurisdiction, I decided to help. I chose to transcribe the details of our conversation and forward it to the appropriate county. This decision enabled the man to pursue justice and hopefully obtain closure. I had no idea our conversation and my decision to nervously answer the phone, would change my entire career path and life forever.

Upon reflection of my conversation with the victim, I realized why I decided to help. I identified with him. During my younger years I was a troubled child. My family did not know what was wrong with me, and they thought I did not respect authority. I was constantly told I was a disappointment and I was the black sheep. They did not know for some time I had ADHD; only needing extra time to play and express myself. I always got yelled at and told I was a bad child; I was even thrown across the room and tossed outside to freeze in the cold West Virginia winter. My brother later supplanted my role as the black sheep. As he entered into illicit activities and strayed from his core values, I assumed the “older brother” role. As the mentor, I attempted to make a change in his life, yet ultimately failed. Once again, I was a disappointment.

After my experience at this organization I no longer felt like a failure. I no longer disappointed anyone. I found a field where I belonged. I made myself and my boss proud. I brought pride to the office of Victim Assistants. Most importantly, I gave someone a voice. I accomplished my goal. I made a positive difference in the world. That one change was not enough for me, however. I want to pursue a career where I can consistently be a catalyst for change. Throughout my placement I spoke with many different people. I even had the opportunity to speak with the prosecutor of the sexual assault victim’s case. During our conversation I received an unsolicited piece of advice. The prosecutor cited my ability to organize details efficiently, succinct writing abilities, and passion for the letter of the law and encouraged me to investigate the legal profession.

As a psychology major, I had not thought much about the law. Psychology training provides the superficial ability to understand peoples’ behavior, a beneficial trait for a lawyer to posses. This training was an outstanding supplementation to my innate ability to properly decipher non-verbal behavior. Expand idea to tie all together. My experience with this organization as well as subsequent conversations with judges, attorneys, and court staff has solidified my desire to pursue a Juris Doctorate and become an attorney.

[CanadianWolf]

This should be viewed as a first draft, not as a final draft, because you need to remove the extraneous details & focus on developing a theme expressed concisely in crisp, clear sentences.

[Anonymous User]

This should be viewed as a first draft, not as a final draft, because you need to remove the extraneous details & focus on developing a theme expressed concisely in crisp, clear sentences.

Could you provide further detail? What should be taken out?

[Anonymous User]

bump due to the new edit

[Anonymous User]

bump. I do not want to make another thread. Please help I am trying to get my apps sent out this weekend.

[canarykb]

Sitting in the secluded office, I feverishly go through old documents, editing them to match new formats. I take no time noticing the stacks of transmittals and messages needing answered and completed. It is 9:00 AM and my first shift without my supervisor is underway. The judges, attorneys, and all of the innocent victims in the county are counting on me. Making a mistake is not an option. The lives of innocent people are at stake, homes could be lost, and victims could be devastated once more. They, the innocent victims, are my responsibility. Two hours in, the phone rings. With the sweat beading on my brow, my hands shaking, and self-doubt filling my head, I answer. [Hate the intro. (1) Why are you editing old documents when there are messages that need to be answered? (2) So your supervisor is out sick one day and this is what you're going to open your PS with? (3) The major problem, really, is that this is so self-important. "They, the innocent victims, are my responsibility." C'mon, these people have agency even if they have been victims of violence. And there are still the police, other non-profits, and your supervisor when they get over their cold, to name a few, who assist people.]

I began volunteering at the Monongalia County Victim Assistance Program during my junior year of college; it was a wonderful experience. [You just made it sound stressful in your first paragraph, maybe another adjective like challenging?] I was able to interact with people from all walks of life and gain valuable insight [cliched phrase] into the daily proceedings of the criminal justice system. When I answered the phone that day I spoke with a former sexual assault victim. He told me his life story, how he was sexually assaulted for a period of five years. He was called a liar constantly being shunned by his family and made out to be the black sheep. This led to a thirty year struggle with flashbacks of the acts committed upon him. The call came from out of our county and even though the man was not under our jurisdiction, I decided to help. I chose to transcribe the details of our conversation and forward it to the appropriate county. This decision enabled the man to pursue justice and hopefully obtain closure. I had no idea our conversation and my decision to nervously answer the phone, would change my entire career path and life forever. [Overly dramatic. Also, this isn't really backed up by the rest of the essay. Why this call in particular?]

Upon reflection of my conversation with the victim, I realized why I decided to help. [This doesn't make any sense. You helped because it was your job, right? Kudos for taking on this position, but if you didn't identify with him you still would have answered his call.] I identified with him. During my younger years I was a troubled child. My family did not know what was wrong with me, and they thought I did not respect authority. I was constantly told I was a disappointment and I was the black sheep. They did not know for some time I had ADHD; only needing extra time to play and express myself. I always got yelled at and told I was a bad child; I was even thrown across the room and tossed outside to freeze in the cold West Virginia winter. My brother later supplanted my role as the black sheep. As he entered into illicit activities and strayed from his core values, I assumed the “older brother” role. As the mentor, I attempted to make a change in his life, yet ultimately failed. Once again, I was a disappointment. [I'm not sure about comparing yourself with the sexual assault victim you spoke with on the phone. Both are very difficult experiences, but very different. I don't think the "black sheep" connection is strong enough. (And I also don't like the repeated use of this cliched phrase.)]

After my experience at this organization I no longer felt like a failure. I no longer disappointed anyone. [Anyone? Ever?] I found a field where I belonged. I made myself and my boss proud. I brought pride to the office of Victim Assistants. Most importantly, I gave someone a voice. I accomplished my goal. I made a positive difference in the world. [This is a whole string of really assertive statements. I think these are the type of bold statements that work in a PS, but you don't need all 8 of them. You also haven't shown us any action yet besides answering a phone call. What made you and your boss proud? Who did you give a voice and how? What was your goal and how did you accomplish it? You have to back up these statements for them to be effective.] That one change was not enough for me, however. I want to pursue a career where I can consistently be a catalyst for change. Throughout my placement I spoke with many different people. I even had the opportunity to speak with the prosecutor of the sexual assault victim’s case. During our conversation I received an unsolicited piece of advice. The prosecutor cited my ability to organize details efficiently, succinct writing abilities, and passion for the letter of the law and encouraged me to investigate the legal profession.

As a psychology major, I had not thought much about the law. Psychology training provides the superficial ability to understand peoples’ behavior, a beneficial trait for a lawyer to posses. This training was an outstanding supplementation to my innate ability to properly decipher non-verbal behavior. Expand idea to tie all together. My experience with this organization as well as subsequent conversations with judges, attorneys, and court staff has solidified my desire to pursue a Juris Doctorate and become an attorney.

I think what you need here is a really strong anecdote that highlights what you did with the organization. Right now, all we know is that you went through old documents and answered the phone. You highlight one client of the program and identify why you wanted to help, but not what you did to help. I think this piece is essential to making this essay work. Otherwise, there are many claims in here that aren't backed up by any evidence.