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I'm trying to work on my personal statement and so obviously failing. Here is a rough draft. Any (specific) suggestions?

Two siblings live together in the same house. They are at odds with just about everything. One’s room is on the left side of the house; the other’s is on the right side of the house. One favors concrete ideas while the other favors the abstract. When they come together however, they are unstoppable. They persuade children to use manners and adults to widen their horizons. As one, they can lead families, companies, markets or even countries. Together they demand others to look for more options in order to make decisions more effectively and efficiently

The house in which these siblings live is an interesting abode. One sibling likes everything in a neatly structured line and color coordinated. The other sibling would prefer items be out on display with colors mixed matched for flair. For example, when it comes to organization, the left side of the house has books on the bookshelf that are arranged standing in alphabetical order and clothes are color coordinated organized by season. The right side of the house is, well, not organized or arranged in any certain order with books lying open or sideways and clothes stuffed wherever there is room. In other words, one sibling likes things predictable and calculated whereas the other is perfectly happy with peculiar and impromptu. There is a common living room, however, where the two enjoy shared books together. The books in this room are arranged in descending order of size but some are tilted, some are standing up, some are lying down. When these two siblings participate collectively their options for how to redecorate are infinitely increased. Combining their influences is something not many people have been able to experience because they look at their situations from either one sibling’s point of view or the other’s.

These two siblings coach youth girls’ sports. When they coach, they ensure they understand each girl’s reason for being there, whether it is to compete or just have fun, so they know exactly how to mold her into a good athlete or at least a respectable young lady. This is evident at the end of the season when these young girls are no longer saying, “Yeah,” or “I want to play…” Instead, they say, “Yes, Coach!” or, “Where do you want me, Coach?” They have tried to coach individually before and have not had the same success. You see, one sibling coaches rules and strategy, whereas the other coaches sportsmanship and the importance of teamwork. One sibling is strict and firm while the other is lenient and flexible. Together they show the significance of being a tough but respectful athlete and, by extension, person.

Who are these wonder siblings? They are Logic Left Brain and Creative Right Brain. Their home is in Kristin’s Cranium Court. Most people are friends with either Logical or Creative but not usually both siblings at once. Neighborhood Kristin is a friend to both. For some, it is hard to grasp Logic’s way of doing something while linking a bit of Creative’s pizzazz. They have allowed Neighborhood Kristin to see more options and therefore lead in a more productive and competent way.

I'm really not trying to be mean at all, but what is the point of this PS? Is THIS really what you want to tell to the admissions staff about you? Also, you could rewrite your entire PS in 2-3 sentences.

I kind of like it until the last paragraph. Then it gets "too cute."

BlueJeanBaby wrote:I'm really not trying to be mean at all, but what is the point of this PS? Is THIS really what you want to tell to the admissions staff about you? Also, you could rewrite your entire PS in 2-3 sentences.

Well fuck me. I agree with BJB. This is a bad idea.

ETA: Also, I only read the first paragraph and I had already figured out what you were doing. Not only is it too "cute", it's not actually clever at all.

You should cut it down to 250 words and send it to Yale.

Yeah, too cute. And it really doesn't tell us anything substantive about you as a person. Props for trying to be a little unorthodox, but I would probably scrap this.

Please do yourself a favor a write a new PS.

This PS is great for an undergraduate liberal arts program, but probably won't make your law school application stand out in a good way.

(o '.')-o

I think that you should rewrite it. You are clearly not a bad writer, but I don't think that this personal statement will do you any favors. It might be something to consider with super reach schools, but I just don't think that it's worth the gamble.

Here's a link to the TLS guide to personal statements: http://www.top-law-schools.com/guide-to ... ments.html

It includes sample PS's, as well as critiques on them. Read it, and get more experience reading the personal statements. Consider this: the admissions committees evaluate THOUSANDS of applicants each year. Do them a favor, and showcase your skills, rather than forcing them to have to evaluate your merits through a creative writing sample.

I understand what you are trying to get at-- you are creative, intelligent, and you want to stand out. A most literal interpretation of this is that you can utilize both parts of your brain.

Show your sexy brain off by intelligently discussing yourself.

TL;DR: Read this guide: http://www.top-law-schools.com/guide-to ... ments.html

If you do adamantly want to use this topic, I suggest making it more subtle. Once I read that one room was on the right and the other on the left, I knew what you were talking about. Then it made the rest of the statement seem REALLY repetitive.

I don't think we've heard back from you about what you plan to do, but I agree with the masses to scrap this. Run with the topic of coaching children. Go into detail about inspiring them and correlate that to your desire to practice law. You can always PM me if you need help.