General PS review (round two!)
Posted: Sat Oct 13, 2012 5:48 pm
A few months ago I made my first post on TLS with the first draft of my PS. Long story short, it was a train wreck and needed much work. I ended up putting it aside until recently when my LoR writers requested a copy. I polished it a bit, addressing obvious tonal issues, and am now really trying to hammer to home, sort to speak.
I would love for you guys to read it over. I've tried to address some issues cited in the last thread which is linked below, and also focused the theme a bit more?
This is no way grammatically sound so don't waste efforts looking at that, for I haven't yet. Please, please, please tell me if you think the tone / theme are better, and how they may be improved. Also, I personally feel the story drags toward the last few paragraphs - do you agree? What should be removed/ condensed/ etc ?
Thanks!
(link to first draft / comments if interested) http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=188668
I grew with my parents and three siblings who worked, and went to school respectively. This pattern was halted upon turning fifteen, however. That summer, fifteen years of adolescent lethargy was put to an end. I began to work in a bakery-café restaurant. You know, the ones that serve pastries in the morning and sandwiches and salads during the day?
I started working only a few hours each day and quickly moved up to working full time. I was good at what I did, and gravitated from working directly with the customers to working behind the scenes. Once a boy who hated to wash the dishes in his own house, I came to prefer to wash others at work. Cleaning dishes, preparing food - you name it. As long as I got to stay in the “back of the house”, with people with stories far more interesting than my own, I would do anything.
I have to be honest and admit that most people working in the back of restaurants do not speak English. The foremost problem that I had to surmount was the dreaded language barrier. Spanish was the language of the land. If I wanted to get to know my co-workers, I had to apply every ounce of the past years of Spanish education that I had in my life. And yet – that was not enough.
Throughout my youth I did not really relate my heritage. While Cuban by blood, the predominant culture in my life tended stray away from that aspect. It was not until working with immigrants did I identify myself as the son of one. My marks in Spanish class quickly shot up and I went from being disinterested and struggling to get by, to a “genius” by my classmates standards. It was somewhere during these few years that I began to truly identify with my heritage.
At work, there were Spanish people who spoke English and could translate, but the ability to have a true proficiency in English first and Spanish second carried a different significance – namely, that I knew the system. I understood how certain things worked better than others, namely English itself, and matters of American society. I became a gateway of information. Everything from “how to apply for a learners permit” to “how to apply for health care” suddenly became topics I familiarized myself with. I had to – right? There was a whole percent of my friends who were not familiar with things that I took for granted. And so researched, translated, and advised. I was the catalyst for many opportunities for my friend.
Beginning to embrace my heritage and the Spanish culture as a whole bore an epiphany. The naïve fifteen year old that I was soon realized that of my ten or so great Spanish speaking friends, each had another fifty Spanish-speaking friends. I now realize that my efforts to help my friends were futile in the grand scheme of things. Plenty of issues were beyond my scope, regardless of how much passion I put in. Further, the small number I helped was only a fraction of the percent of people like my friends who needed such help. Fifty million people live in the United States who speak Spanish and want to buy a house, get married, file for divorce, own a business, or obtain a patent. Fifty million people require the same services that my close friends do, many whom cannot obtain them.
Going to law school was always a goal of mine. But it was not until I worked in the back of a restaurant, did I begin to understand why it would help me to accomplish my goals. Some of the nicest, most sincere and lovable people that I have ever met were those that helped to teach me Spanish. There is a whole fraction of the population who need the same legal services that many Americans utilize. Going to law school will be the first step for me in being able to provide the array of aforementioned services to the ever growing population of Spanish speaking Americans.
The subsequent internships and legal experiences which I have had since the time working in a restaurant have provided me with a wealth of knowledge – none of which has impacted the conception of my goals as much as prepping hundreds of pounds of food each morning, while enjoying quality conversation and laughs in a then unfamiliar tongue.
I would love for you guys to read it over. I've tried to address some issues cited in the last thread which is linked below, and also focused the theme a bit more?
This is no way grammatically sound so don't waste efforts looking at that, for I haven't yet. Please, please, please tell me if you think the tone / theme are better, and how they may be improved. Also, I personally feel the story drags toward the last few paragraphs - do you agree? What should be removed/ condensed/ etc ?
Thanks!
(link to first draft / comments if interested) http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 8&t=188668
I grew with my parents and three siblings who worked, and went to school respectively. This pattern was halted upon turning fifteen, however. That summer, fifteen years of adolescent lethargy was put to an end. I began to work in a bakery-café restaurant. You know, the ones that serve pastries in the morning and sandwiches and salads during the day?
I started working only a few hours each day and quickly moved up to working full time. I was good at what I did, and gravitated from working directly with the customers to working behind the scenes. Once a boy who hated to wash the dishes in his own house, I came to prefer to wash others at work. Cleaning dishes, preparing food - you name it. As long as I got to stay in the “back of the house”, with people with stories far more interesting than my own, I would do anything.
I have to be honest and admit that most people working in the back of restaurants do not speak English. The foremost problem that I had to surmount was the dreaded language barrier. Spanish was the language of the land. If I wanted to get to know my co-workers, I had to apply every ounce of the past years of Spanish education that I had in my life. And yet – that was not enough.
Throughout my youth I did not really relate my heritage. While Cuban by blood, the predominant culture in my life tended stray away from that aspect. It was not until working with immigrants did I identify myself as the son of one. My marks in Spanish class quickly shot up and I went from being disinterested and struggling to get by, to a “genius” by my classmates standards. It was somewhere during these few years that I began to truly identify with my heritage.
At work, there were Spanish people who spoke English and could translate, but the ability to have a true proficiency in English first and Spanish second carried a different significance – namely, that I knew the system. I understood how certain things worked better than others, namely English itself, and matters of American society. I became a gateway of information. Everything from “how to apply for a learners permit” to “how to apply for health care” suddenly became topics I familiarized myself with. I had to – right? There was a whole percent of my friends who were not familiar with things that I took for granted. And so researched, translated, and advised. I was the catalyst for many opportunities for my friend.
Beginning to embrace my heritage and the Spanish culture as a whole bore an epiphany. The naïve fifteen year old that I was soon realized that of my ten or so great Spanish speaking friends, each had another fifty Spanish-speaking friends. I now realize that my efforts to help my friends were futile in the grand scheme of things. Plenty of issues were beyond my scope, regardless of how much passion I put in. Further, the small number I helped was only a fraction of the percent of people like my friends who needed such help. Fifty million people live in the United States who speak Spanish and want to buy a house, get married, file for divorce, own a business, or obtain a patent. Fifty million people require the same services that my close friends do, many whom cannot obtain them.
Going to law school was always a goal of mine. But it was not until I worked in the back of a restaurant, did I begin to understand why it would help me to accomplish my goals. Some of the nicest, most sincere and lovable people that I have ever met were those that helped to teach me Spanish. There is a whole fraction of the population who need the same legal services that many Americans utilize. Going to law school will be the first step for me in being able to provide the array of aforementioned services to the ever growing population of Spanish speaking Americans.
The subsequent internships and legal experiences which I have had since the time working in a restaurant have provided me with a wealth of knowledge – none of which has impacted the conception of my goals as much as prepping hundreds of pounds of food each morning, while enjoying quality conversation and laughs in a then unfamiliar tongue.