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Back to drawing board.

I'm not impressed. The majority of the essay is dedicated to your Grandma and your parents.

You sound like you are going from college directly to law school. This is obvious based on the fact that you would write about a trite topic.

Go back to the drawing board. This is a personal statement. It should be about YOU. I gained no sense why a law school should accept you. I gained no sense as to how you would contribute to the legal profession or the law school community. I gained no sense (even though you tried and failed) why you are interested in the law. Your dad was a police officer was made in passing, but this tells me nothing about why you want the law. This doesn't have to be stated, but at the end of your essay, I wondered, "what was the point of that?"

sparty99 wrote:I'm not impressed. The majority of the essay is dedicated to your Grandma and your parents.

You sound like you are going from college directly to law school. This is obvious based on the fact that you would write about a trite topic.

Go back to the drawing board. This is a personal statement. It should be about YOU. I gained no sense why a law school should accept you. I gained no sense as to how you would contribute to the legal profession or the law school community. I gained no sense (even though you tried and failed) why you are interested in the law. Your dad was a police officer was made in passing, but this tells me nothing about why you want the law. This doesn't have to be stated, but at the end of your essay, I wondered, "what was the point of that?"

Op here: ah, I do have thick skin but that stung. That's the point however.

I knew someone would point out the dad/law sentence, I know it doesn't really fit so I put it in as a type of place holder because I wanted to incorporate it into the final essay. Perhaps not though?i

I couldn't finish this man. I started skimming after the second or third paragraph. Whatever its merits as an essay might be (it might fare well in a freshman composition class), I don't think it's a very good admission essay. Most of it isn't about your recent life. It's sentimental and only tangentially related to the law (not that it needs to be about the law, but I think if you're going applying with a mediocre personal statement it should be safe and law-related). It's not a particularly novel topic, nor do you tell a common story in an innovative way. There's just not much going for it. It's not the worst statement ever, but it's not good.

Writing a personal statement sucks, but you should start over.

Ok, could you delete your quote of it for me then?

Any ideas about topics? This was my first try.