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First Draft
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:35 pm
by Anonymous User
EDIT: Thanks guys, I think I got the feedback I was looking for.
Re: First Draft
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 3:48 pm
by nickb285
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Re: First Draft
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:23 pm
by bobbypin
I am not a fan of this topic at all. What information are you trying to impart on the admissions staff? After reading that, I still don't know anything about you.
I think you need a different topic altogether. Sorry.
Re: First Draft
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:30 pm
by kwais
agree with what others posted. Also, the "dilemma" seems decidedly uncomplicated. The dude couldn't reconcile two systems, one of which was based on his own superstitions, so he decided not to. Big deal. I'm only saying that because your massive breakthrough just comes across as anti-climactic. I think you should start over, dig deeper and leave out the philosophy name-dropping. You are a good writer though. very smooth, nothing awkward besides the content.
Re: First Draft
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2012 6:45 pm
by Swimp
Anonymous User wrote:Pomponazzi resolved the dilemma, but only by cutting himself off from the Aristotelianism that comprised his life’s work
This is pedantic, but I think the word you want is "composed" or "constituted."
As for the broader essay--I thought there was too much philosophy and not enough you. I can't think of a way to fix that particular problem, so if I were you, I'd probably scrap it and try to think of something new.