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SYoshi11 wrote:I would put up a draft, but its incomplete and shitty. Also, I'm not sure if what I've posted reveals that I have a fundamental misunderstanding of the law.

Only one way to find out.

SYoshi11 wrote: What do you all have to say? Also, since this is basically a synopsis of my PS, please just shit on anything you think merits it.

This sounds horribly boring and seems to have little or nothing to do with yourself, or your accomplishments.

SYoshi11 wrote:Hey everyone,

I've been writing my personal statement, and I seem to be conflating the law with government regulation. Is this an issue?

My thesis is that while working this summer (helping a company comply with financial regulation) I realized that regulation has numerous unforeseen impacts. I'd like to become a lawyer, because it would allow me to (a) in some way, mold / create legislation with more predictable/reliable outcomes (b) lawyers try to determine if regulation is effective and just, which hits home because I'm a big softy for sad consumer stories (c) we learn as lawyers the fundamental basis of the law, and that process of understanding is valuable in crafting a world where we all can better thrive.

So yeah, I'm not sure how that is going to go over. I would put up a draft, but its incomplete and shitty. Also, I'm not sure if what I've posted reveals that I have a fundamental misunderstanding of the law. To be honest, I'm don't want to go to law school to put the bad guys in jail, to be able to write wills, to provide information on how to legally hide a company's assets, or to settle divorces. I want to learn how we can use the law to drive social impact - I think one arena in which this is most possible is regulation.

What do you all have to say? Also, since this is basically a synopsis of my PS, please just shit on anything you think merits it.

My understanding is that agencies' rules are law.

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Pick a new topic.

^ Why?

SYoshi11 wrote:^ Why?

Because this one is boring.

CorkBoard wrote:

SYoshi11 wrote:^ Why?

Because this one is awful and boring.

I disagree. I think the topic could be pretty compelling if you can use it to convey your substantive, relevant work experience.

That said, the first paragraph is overwrought and pretentious. The room felt like a symphony? The rich mahogany's opulence brought you no comfort? Huh? To my mind, neither of these tidbits contribute anything positive to your narrative; rather, I read them as examples of flowery but ultimately empty preening. Not a good look.

screaming_meemies wrote: That said, the first paragraph is overwrought and pretentious.

It isn't just the first paragraph that's overwrought and pretentious.

CorkBoard wrote:

screaming_meemies wrote: That said, the first paragraph is overwrought and pretentious.

It isn't just the first paragraph that's overwrought and pretentious.

What about the final paragraph do you find pretentious? I'll grant you overwrought given certain unnecessary details (wooden desk, cold coffee), but aside from those defects I think there's a lot in there to build on. I get the sense that the OP was doing important work, which they explain well and without frills. I don't know that the work necessarily ties to their law school ambitions -- at least not yet -- but I certainly don't see the same degree of peacocking as I did in paragraph two.

screaming_meemies wrote:

CorkBoard wrote:

screaming_meemies wrote: That said, the first paragraph is overwrought and pretentious.

It isn't just the first paragraph that's overwrought and pretentious.

What about the final paragraph do you find pretentious? I'll grant you overwrought given certain unnecessary details (wooden desk, cold coffee), but aside from those defects I think there's a lot in there to build on. I get the sense that the OP was doing important work, which they explain well and without frills. I don't know that the work necessarily ties to their law school ambitions -- at least not yet -- but I certainly don't see the same degree of peacocking as I did in paragraph two.

I think that this topic may have potential, but OP, you need to cut all of the bullshit details out and write this like you're writing it for a reader who doesn't know anything about your financial job. There's too much namedropping to the point that it becomes incredibly difficult to read in the last paragraph.

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SYoshi11 wrote:So make this simpler?

Sorry, did not mean to come across as a dick. I just wanted to include detail and try to appropriately set the theme.

I'm making progress tying this back to myself. Thank you all for the constructive criticism!

The good thing is that this can be easily improved.

OP, you can safely ignore the worst of the naysaying here. This has definite potential, and it's the opposite of boring to me. The idea of having a "hook" might be cliché, but it's important nonetheless. You successfully build tension with your introduction, and I'm eager to see how the story plays out.

The most egregious flaws are stylistic in nature and are easily correctable -- just kill the faux-literary BS. Similes involving symphonies and talk of opulent mahogany need to go. I don't care about the material used to make your hotel desk. The rest of your writing is pretty crisp and clear, and you can make it moreso with added attention.

Drop the "$6 billion" reference. "The CFO" will suffice. They'll read the bank's name in your résumé.

One pitfall to avoid as you continue to develop the essay will be résumé regurgitation. Be sure that you paint a picture of yourself beyond your job responsibilities and accomplishments -- something of your talents, your passions, what makes you tick.

By the way, don't title the PS.

As an aside, I'm reading a lot of well-intentioned but bad advice in this forum. It seems that a good amount of the advice being offered presently is coming from people who have yet to successfully navigate this process. That's not to say that these folks can't offer valuable contributions. It just means the signal-to-noise ratio is going to be lower in this forum until more applicants from prior cycles start showing up.