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There is a ton of terminology in here and it basically just describes what you did for a job, which is boring when it goes on for too long. You don't want to bombard the reader with that stuff.

Cut a lot of this and integrate some sort of theme besides what you did at work.

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rufus&miles wrote:Yeah, that's what I thought. I felt like I should focus on why I wanted to change careers, do you think that is something I still focus on in this statement?

I mean, you could. Or you could pick something else to write about entirely. It's really up to you, but resume regurgitation is, as you can see from other PS critiques, generally frowned upon.

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