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Take two: try again, maybe a little better after following some of the critiques? Thanks again. 6/22/12

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[edited 6/23/12]

The language is painfully pretentious. You're trying to be too formal. Sentences starting 'subsequently' and 'therefore' are kind of cringe-worthy.

The subject is fine, but you fall into TLS's favorite rut of telling, not showing. You say tutoring the kids was influential for them and significant for you, but I only have your word for that. Cover fewer things but in more detail.

I also don't quite understand what the NSF thing at the beginning is. Is it related to anything you talk about in the rest of it? Was the NSF award funding the tutoring thing? The connection is not clear.

And there is some grammatical imprecision. Many of these students HAD never had an environment to nurture their educational interests. etc. But the grammar can be nitpicked later, when you have the text a bit further along.

As I held the National Science Foundation’s fellowship letter in my hands, I was both honored and daunted. blood rushed into my nether regions and awoke a spirit I had believed to be long gone.

Maybe it's just me, but when people start off essays like this, I think they're going to write erotica. Don't be so dramatic. It's weird.

That said, I'm no essay expert and like 80% of people who post essays here do the same thing so I could just be wrong.

pacifica wrote:
redacted

I think it needs work, but it is better than the draft you originally had up. You seem to want to bounce between overwrought and colloquial language. I think you would benefit from a more terse writing style with one persistent theme/metaphor/analogy to lend more color to the statement.

Thank you for the thorough read. Now that I know a general direction to take to make it better, I can probably start revising more aggressively knowing I'm on the right track! (And without having everyone read every single draft )