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This is my first draft with a couple of look-overs. I'd like to cut some stuff out for length reasons, but am unsure on what info to utilize or if I even should. Thanks in advance for your critiques and advice.


It is 8:45 a.m. on a very dark and snowy Wednesday. The temperature outside is seven degrees, with an overnight snow accumulation of twenty-three inches. Already dressed in an arsenal of winter attire, I am at my destination. I unstrap from my snowboard, pick it up, and start my way up the already established boot pack.
Forty-five minutes later, winded, I am at the top of the Hemlocks debating on two lines. One snakes through a maze of trees and the other leads me off a rock into a fifteen-foot drop. I choose the trees. After an array of “s-” and “z-” like turns, I make it through. The next thing to happen consists of me doing cartwheels for ten feet, followed by a nice hike out of the place I just got stuck.
Up until this time I juggled multiple jobs, was the first in my immediate family to gain a Bachelor’s degree, and travelled for business. Yet, at the end of every situation, it felt that I was doing cartwheels and getting stuck.
Growing up in Las Vegas, I was fascinated with gaming at an early age.I started to deal table games. This was a steady job with a nice wage. During this time I became affiliated with a California based clothing company known as Volcom. This affiliation opened my eyes to an array of outside ideas. In the off-times between work and school, the company would include me on trips all over the United States. Eventually, I fell in love with California. My goal became to reside there.
Once graduation came around, I made the move and started to become more involved with Volcom. Due to a prior driving infraction, I could not be insured to drive company vehicles. This prompted the move to Mammoth Lakes. After the move, the infraction was resolved and removed from my record.
Mammoth Lakes, California, is home to one of the most elite ski resorts in the world: Mammoth Mountain. Because of my time spent at Volcom, Mammoth and my snowboard have grown to become two very valuable assets to me. Volcom introduced Mammoth and its residents to me, and vice versa. This company allowed me to easily transition. They continued to show support, by sending product in support of my outdoor lifestyle. After the move, my world changed. I had no more prior engagements. I started working at a coffee shop and spent increasingly more time outside. This is when the value of Mammoth and my snowboard became invaluable to me.
I have been lucky enough to explore Mammoth and its surrounding mountains for the past two years. Hiking to and skiing spots I never thought imaginable, and making new life-long friends has been an incomparable experience. In return, I have fallen in love with the mountains and their vast array of wilderness. Even shoveling my car out from under ten feet of snow and chasing bears away from trash carries some charm. Mammoth and my snowboard have also been very beneficial in the battle with my weight. While here I dropped over one hundred pounds and moved myself out of the diabetic range. This is something I have been struggling with for over fifteen years. Resulting in me being the smallest I have been since sixth grade. Needless to say, the weight loss is also arming me with new confidence and energy.
I have learned the importance of the natural elements found in the mountains and what they provide: life, color, season change, and serenity, to name a few. It’s a giant cycle, that we cannot do without. I have been lucky enough to jump off a thirty foot rock into nothing but pillows of snow, knowing the powder will transform and provide an amazing fishing season in a couple of months.
About a month ago, we had one of the better storms of the season. This weather allowed me to return to the top of the Hemlocks. This time with more preparation, and a new confidence, I choose the rock-drop line. What a different scenario. I slowly make my way to the top of the rock, find the spot, and point it. In the air everything seems surreal; I drop my right hand and reach for a grab. Letting go of my board I stomp! Still pointing it with the speed I have from dropping the rock. Well over a season later, I have now gained the ability to maneuver my way through the snow with out worrying about the treacherous cartwheels.
I am now ready to take the simplicity, patience, and focus I have gained from living in the mountains and utilize it in my drive to succeed - minus the cartwheels.

Your PS seems unfocused and way too narrative. Too many anecdotes. After reading this, I had no idea that you want to go to law school, much less why you want to go. If it wasnt on the law school forum, no one would know that you are specifically applying to law school.

I see what you are trying to do by comparing your experiance and skills to those that would be importaint to success in law school. It just isnt clear enough.

Yes, I understand that it is unfocused. I also understand that its a bit sporadic. I posted it on here for help on how to resolve these issues.

I have read the tls forum book on how to write a personal statement, and have probably read an additional 30-45. Many of the people reading and assisting in my proof reads dont have law school in their vocabulary, and thats fine. So I opted to turn to this site for help to make any of these qualities appeal to an admission committee.

tjvc wrote:Yes, I understand that it is unfocused. I also understand that its a bit sporadic. I posted it on here for help on how to resolve these issues.

I have read the tls forum book on how to write a personal statement, and have probably read an additional 30-45. Many of the people reading and assisting in my proof reads dont have law school in their vocabulary, and thats fine. So I opted to turn to this site for help to make any of these qualities appeal to an admission committee.

You don't need to throw in "law school" vocabulary. But you do need to include why you would excel in law school or what you will add to the law schools that you are applying to. Use can use this experience at Mammoth Mountain to highlight personal qualities that will be applicable for law school. You definitely need to make that connection though. There's not enough substance in your PS as is.

tjvc wrote:Yes, I understand that it is unfocused. I also understand that its a bit sporadic. I posted it on here for help on how to resolve these issues.

I have read the tls forum book on how to write a personal statement, and have probably read an additional 30-45. Many of the people reading and assisting in my proof reads dont have law school in their vocabulary, and thats fine. So I opted to turn to this site for help to make any of these qualities appeal to an admission committee.

It's not about adding law school vocabulary. It's about showing a clear path and reason through your story as to why you want to go to law school, and why you would excel. For example, use it to show a strong connection with nature and a desire to do environmental law. Or maybe even sports law, or business/entrepreneurship law through Volcom and start-up snowboard companies. I understand the love you have for the mountain - I was a ski instructor all last year and have grown up skiing and boarding. But if you want to go to law school, you need to show it.

coldshoulder wrote:

tjvc wrote:Yes, I understand that it is unfocused. I also understand that its a bit sporadic. I posted it on here for help on how to resolve these issues.

I have read the tls forum book on how to write a personal statement, and have probably read an additional 30-45. Many of the people reading and assisting in my proof reads dont have law school in their vocabulary, and thats fine. So I opted to turn to this site for help to make any of these qualities appeal to an admission committee.

It's not about adding law school vocabulary. It's about showing a clear path and reason through your story as to why you want to go to law school, and why you would excel. For example, use it to show a strong connection with nature and a desire to do environmental law. Or maybe even sports law, or business/entrepreneurship law through Volcom and start-up snowboard companies. I understand the love you have for the mountain - I was a ski instructor all last year and have grown up skiing and boarding. But if you want to go to law school, you need to show it.

The law vocabulary was meant more for the structure and way of writing side of things. Sorry it got misconstrued.

This is exactly where I am at. Im having trouble connecting the dots for the overall picture. The school I am applying to has both an environmental and sports law program. This school is also located minutes away from Volcom and is very familiar with the company and their community projects.

Any information that I should cut out? Should I try and focus on just my time at Volcom and Mammoth? If I pick a general focus leading towards environmental law, will it affect me later if I want to go into sports law?

tjvc wrote:

coldshoulder wrote:

tjvc wrote:Yes, I understand that it is unfocused. I also understand that its a bit sporadic. I posted it on here for help on how to resolve these issues.

I have read the tls forum book on how to write a personal statement, and have probably read an additional 30-45. Many of the people reading and assisting in my proof reads dont have law school in their vocabulary, and thats fine. So I opted to turn to this site for help to make any of these qualities appeal to an admission committee.

It's not about adding law school vocabulary. It's about showing a clear path and reason through your story as to why you want to go to law school, and why you would excel. For example, use it to show a strong connection with nature and a desire to do environmental law. Or maybe even sports law, or business/entrepreneurship law through Volcom and start-up snowboard companies. I understand the love you have for the mountain - I was a ski instructor all last year and have grown up skiing and boarding. But if you want to go to law school, you need to show it.

The law vocabulary was meant more for the structure and way of writing side of things. Sorry it got misconstrued.

This is exactly where I am at. Im having trouble connecting the dots for the overall picture. The school I am applying to has both an environmental and sports law program. This school is also located minutes away from Volcom and is very familiar with the company and their community projects.

Any information that I should cut out? Should I try and focus on just my time at Volcom and Mammoth? If I pick a general focus leading towards environmental law, will it affect me later if I want to go into sports law?

First off, nothing in your personal statement will affect you once you get into law school. Totally irrelevant. Second, what school is this? Third, are you applying now or next cycle, because you'd be crazy to apply this late.
Cut out some of the snowboarding lingo and tighten up the paragraphs about hiking and boarding. Cut out working at a coffee shop.
Elaborate on your work with volcom and your time at Mammoth as it pertains to developing skills that will help you succeed in law school, and in acquiring values that make you want to go to law school.

thank you.