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Is it too focused on one topic? Does it end too abruptly? Is the multiple use of "I wanted" effective or too repetitive?

You spend too much of your time talking about the grandparents and not enough about you. In law school you will learn that lawyers won't take the case, because Granny doesn't have one. But that is okay. You show empathy, which is a fine trait for a lawyer. Just spend more time on yourself and less on the your grandmother's case.

the PS takes too long to get to the meat and important text.

Can you remove a sentence or even the whole first paragraph without affecting the understanding, clarity and point of your essay? (yes) thus, it's extraneous.

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IMHO, you start way too many sentences with "I." I think you could condense this essay into basically one paragraph of a more complete personal statement that explains how you got interested in the law. The rest of the essay should focus on your accomplishments and the attributes that will make you a good lawyer.

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I am condensing the ideas into two pages typed in 12 point font.

Your comment about legal writing confuses me. I was not aware that a personal statement must be written in the legal writing style.

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baaron008 wrote:I am condensing the ideas into two pages typed in 12 point font.

Your comment about legal writing confuses me. I was not aware that a personal statement must be written in the legal writing style.

Um...I think you're forgetting that it needs to be double-spaced. If you try and combine the two sections you've got up right now, it's almost 5 full pages.

Your PS doesn't have to be truly "legal" writing, with the heretofores and the party of the first parties, but it should be pretty formal language. It can be elegant and emotive, but it can't be casual.

" Therefore, the PS should be clear, concise, written with purpose, grammatically correct, coherent, and logically formatted (i.e. not jumping from point to point aimlessly)."

I'm going to say any and all good writing should have these characteristics as well.

I think you're too far away from having a final product to be stressed about the formation of your sentences or your syntax. I find all of the following to be things you might wish to consider:

*Remember that your PS is supposed to focus on you and your journey. In the first piece, that isn't the case. It's about your grandfather and your grandmother. It doesn't tell me who you are as a person. Remember the essay isn't "Why Law?" it's a personal statement. The adcomm is giving you an opportunity to show who you are. True, many times in doing that you lead to a discussion on why law, but it's not necessary for a PS. Right now, I get no image of who you truly are. You love your grandparents...etc. That's great, but it's not unique. It shows me you care for your family, which is a great trait but it in no way positions you as a more advantageous admit for a law school.

*It's difficult for me to see how your second piece fits with the first. With that said, you cannot combine them. It's too long and trying to connect them, IMO, would be ineffective. Personally, I think that your second piece says more about you, so I give you the following options to consider. If you're hellbent on using the piece about your grandfather, reshape it such that it focuses on you and then use this second story as a statement of disadvantage or diversity. Frame it as such and you can get by with two totally different essays. Whatever you do, though, you must ensure that the focus is on YOU and how you changed/grew/developed as a person.

*I feel like you're trying to include too much information and this goes for both pieces. Carefully consider whether nor not all of the things you say are necessary. Limiting some of this anecdotal information will help take the focus off of all things but you. Once you've restructured these things, then concern yourself with matters of syntax and whatnot.


Good luck!

I greatly appreciate all the advice everyone has given me. For the most part, those two pieces of writing were just free form. In no way have i edited them for length or clarity at this point. I have decided to start with the second piece and go from there.

Thanks everyone!