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revising

It's not going to blow anyone's butt's out, but I don't think it is bad either. That may be a good thing. I think it is solid but not extraordinary. I don't see too many major flaws.

The first part is too egotistical, the last part is too apologetic. Focus on the future and leave out the specifics about your poor grades. You need to find a balance - you're not the best thing ever but you also don't need to give yourself a disclaimer for not being amazing. Also, it might be a good idea to cut back on the informality a little - 'b-law' and talking about beer pong are not exactly professional. Overall, it's a decent story but you need to streamline the focus and clean it up, maybe have a mentor or someone you respect professionally read it.

iowalum wrote:The first part is too egotistical, the last part is too apologetic. Focus on the future and leave out the specifics about your poor grades. You need to find a balance - you're not the best thing ever but you also don't need to give yourself a disclaimer for not being amazing. Also, it might be a good idea to cut back on the informality a little - 'b-law' and talking about beer pong are not exactly professional. Overall, it's a decent story but you need to streamline the focus and clean it up, maybe have a mentor or someone you respect professionally read it.

I agree that the first part sounded a little snooty.

I really didn't like it. I can see a little of the appeal, but it seems like a really risky PS.

Potential problems:

-"make a name for myself between 2006 and 2008" seems egotistical
-"transfer to LSU and essentially be common" common? Makes it sound like you consider yourself royalty or something (if you are, I humbly apologize).
-"dark period in my life" a little over dramatic, don't you think? People have real dark periods such as family dying, being refugees, divorce, etc.
-"aunt’s courtroom" unsubtle name drop
-"I buckled down for the LSAT and scored above the 90th percentile" congrats, but welcome to the club with the other thousands of applicants

Positives:

-Not many people go into law school with the non-profit work experience you have. Show what you learned from it without sounding boastful. You should be proud of your accomplishments, but make it more about the kids you helped and not yourself.

Far too arrogant sounding. Much of the arrogance is somewhat subtle. So you need to dig it out.

Not only does it sound arrogant, but I have also heard that you should not discuss GPA issues (or your LSAT issues) in your PS. Save those for an addendum, scrap that part, and talk about your non-profit experience further.

kaiser wrote:Far too arrogant sounding. Much of the arrogance is somewhat subtle. So you need to dig it out.

yep, minus the subtlety. The moment you talked about being common I recoiled.

franklyscarlet wrote:

kaiser wrote:Far too arrogant sounding. Much of the arrogance is somewhat subtle. So you need to dig it out.

yep, minus the subtlety. The moment you talked about being common I recoiled.

Lol yeah, that one was far from subtle. Was humorously arrogant, and even more so seeing as you probably had no clue it was arrogant-sounding as you wrote it.

I had a Bill Gate's quote there that specifically highlighted why that attitude was a problem but ultimately did not have space for it:

Does this seem less egotistical? I am revising now but want to make sure I have an effective lead since it structures the remainder of the statement.

Soliciting a forty-thousand dollar grant, delivering keynote addresses on behalf of non-profits at fundraising events and getting subsidized with SAMSHA money to lead a mentoring group for at risk youth saw me at a young age, not unlike an attorney, working in a field predicated upon advocating on behalf of others.

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I will take out the common line what I was trying to get across was what I said in the concluding paragraph about getting lazy for a semester and settling for mediocrity. In other words I fell into that party school mentality which was common for my peer group but ultimately a problem.

As everyone said above, I think you need to expand more on those early experiences in 2006-2008 that were successful, and cut out the off-putting stuff. I was really curious about that stuff when I started reading, and it plays well into showing why you will make a great law student and lawyer.

Just two examples of needed changes off the top of my head:

1. "As an accounting major, not unlike whomever is reading this I would imagine, I manipulate numbers all day. It is a field marked by little room for articulation, deviation or character." Wtf dude - you liken your former major to what admissions officers do all day and then say it does not encourage character??? This is bad. Cut cut cut.

2. "I would spend more time my first fifteen hours in Baton Rouge projecting ping pong balls into solo cups, attending sorority exchanges and taking road trips to my native New Orleans then I did in the library." Pretty sure everyone, at every college ever, spent more time playing pong than in the library their first fifteen hours at college (at least I hope). Fix this or cut it. If you insist on explaining your bad GPA, don't blame it on orientation (which is what it sounds like) lol

To be honest I thought it was a flame the entire time I was reading it.

thank god for this forum. I knew that approach was a little risky but it served to explain a mediocre 3.2 GPA and a high LSAT score with a year off from school. I will just assume the overwhelming response as a nay to that approach and submit a revised statement focusing more on the non-profit work and my undergraduate law classes.

appreciate everyone's feedback!