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Thanks to everyone. I took it down

This is a really good topic, and I feel like you did a pretty solid job with it. It definitely shows who you are, what you have gone through, and how it got you excited/prepared for law. I think there are a few issues with commas, and maybe some grammar things that can be cleaned up to sound a bit better. I would cut out the first and last sentence of your second to last paragraph though. You basically restate the first one in the last sentence of your last paragraph, and it works better as your concluding sentence. The last one of that second to last paragraph does not add anything and sounds weird. I would especially be hesitant to say old knowledge becomes obsolete; old knowledge is maybe built on, but not completely meaningless anymore imo.

I have a few suggestions.

My first suggestion is go through and figure out how to re-word all of the "...,as..."

For example, you say: "This experience taught me to pay attention to detail, as I was expected to understand and relay information accurately."

You could say: This experience taught me to pay attention to detail, because I was expected to understand and relay information accurately.

You use a comma followed by "as" five times.

This statement needs much more work in my opinion. I would avoid making statements like "The study of law begins in law school, but it is a lifelong investigation where older knowledge can become obsolete, and a lawyer must stay well informed." because you are not an attorney, so I wouldn't tell the admissions committee what a lawyer "must" do. Also, I would find ways to use less commas.

I also wouldn't tell them that the most important lessons you learned were not in a classroom...law school takes place in a classroom.

These are only suggestions. I quickly skimmed and changed some things I would consider.

Thanks for your input!