I'd love some feedback on my PS!
Posted: Mon Dec 12, 2011 6:29 pm
I'd love for some people to read this over, let me know what they think, especially regarding:
-Any typos or grammar errors
-How the personal statement speaks: does it seem to convey something about my motivations? the overall strength of the PS -- will it make me stand out? Does it sound like a review of my resume (which I'd be happy to link to)? Is there anything I should add/remove?
THANKS!
If someone had told me ten years ago, or even five years ago, that my life would be completely changed because of poultry, I would not have believed it. Yet there I sat in a small, cramped living room on an unseasonably warm election night in 2008, almost shaking with anticipation and exhaustion. A dozen others surrounded me, and all eyes were glued to the television awaiting the results. In the few short months prior, I had transformed from a first-time volunteer to a campaign employee, sitting among the volunteers I had directed as we waited to see if our efforts changed history. One percent of the precincts reported, then five percent, and finally, ten percent. We had won! For the first time in US history voters had demanded that the treatment of poultry be considered. This new California law, the first of its kind to address the conditions endured by egg-laying hens on large industrial farms, would have a lasting national impact, and the experience of ensuring the passage of the law would provide me with the impetus to discover my calling and act on my passion to contribute to social change.
I first became aware of my inner drive to expose the injustices of the world as a history major at the XXXXXX. For research topics, I often gravitated towards subjects that allowed me to tell the stories of those often underserved by history—Native Americans, the National Liberation Front, the Sinti and Roma. Excellence at finding evidence of inequality and arguing for a revision of history came naturally to me, and did not go unnoticed by my professors and peers as I was the recipient of several awards and honors given by the history department. It was not, however, until after leaving the university that I found what would be my life’s work—and it hit me harder than a box full of petitions.
In 2006, a friend introduced me to many of the issues associated with industrial animal agriculture. I started to make my own conclusions about the abuses found on many farms, and for the first time acted on an ethical imperative that involved something outside of my immediate experience. In early 2008, I started volunteering with a local animal advocacy organization on Proposition 2, a statewide ballot initiative that called for regulating conditions on poultry farms. I quickly found that instead of highlighting historical injustices in hopes of preventing future ones, I could satisfy my inner drive to contribute to society by actively working within the legal system to alleviate existing social problems. My natural abilities leading volunteers during the campaign prompted the organization to offer me a full-time position as we persuaded Californians to implement this historic change.
I left that job as my husband pursued his career across the county, but was happily recruited by another organization, XXXX. Here I expanded my reach by influencing corporate decisions, successfully persuading dozens of restaurants to change their menus, and organizing volunteers across the country to raise awareness about the issues. While my victories were substantial, my impact was less than my capabilities.
The organization I worked for has made groundbreaking strides for animals using the law, prompted historic convictions, petitioned federal agencies to change regulations, and worked with law firms to create class action lawsuits. Similar organizations have lobbied state legislatures to adopt more humane legislation, entered legal agreements with animal agriculture trade groups to change practices, and brought civil and criminal cases against animal abusers. These are the sorts of contributions that I can and will make, and why I look forward to returning to that cramped living room awaiting the results, whether they be from an election, the legislature, or a judge’s decision. Next time, however, as a practicing attorney, I will have the tools necessary to influence the outcome, help determine the issues being considered, and better contribute to changing the lives of those who are often denied fair representation under the law.
-Any typos or grammar errors
-How the personal statement speaks: does it seem to convey something about my motivations? the overall strength of the PS -- will it make me stand out? Does it sound like a review of my resume (which I'd be happy to link to)? Is there anything I should add/remove?
THANKS!
If someone had told me ten years ago, or even five years ago, that my life would be completely changed because of poultry, I would not have believed it. Yet there I sat in a small, cramped living room on an unseasonably warm election night in 2008, almost shaking with anticipation and exhaustion. A dozen others surrounded me, and all eyes were glued to the television awaiting the results. In the few short months prior, I had transformed from a first-time volunteer to a campaign employee, sitting among the volunteers I had directed as we waited to see if our efforts changed history. One percent of the precincts reported, then five percent, and finally, ten percent. We had won! For the first time in US history voters had demanded that the treatment of poultry be considered. This new California law, the first of its kind to address the conditions endured by egg-laying hens on large industrial farms, would have a lasting national impact, and the experience of ensuring the passage of the law would provide me with the impetus to discover my calling and act on my passion to contribute to social change.
I first became aware of my inner drive to expose the injustices of the world as a history major at the XXXXXX. For research topics, I often gravitated towards subjects that allowed me to tell the stories of those often underserved by history—Native Americans, the National Liberation Front, the Sinti and Roma. Excellence at finding evidence of inequality and arguing for a revision of history came naturally to me, and did not go unnoticed by my professors and peers as I was the recipient of several awards and honors given by the history department. It was not, however, until after leaving the university that I found what would be my life’s work—and it hit me harder than a box full of petitions.
In 2006, a friend introduced me to many of the issues associated with industrial animal agriculture. I started to make my own conclusions about the abuses found on many farms, and for the first time acted on an ethical imperative that involved something outside of my immediate experience. In early 2008, I started volunteering with a local animal advocacy organization on Proposition 2, a statewide ballot initiative that called for regulating conditions on poultry farms. I quickly found that instead of highlighting historical injustices in hopes of preventing future ones, I could satisfy my inner drive to contribute to society by actively working within the legal system to alleviate existing social problems. My natural abilities leading volunteers during the campaign prompted the organization to offer me a full-time position as we persuaded Californians to implement this historic change.
I left that job as my husband pursued his career across the county, but was happily recruited by another organization, XXXX. Here I expanded my reach by influencing corporate decisions, successfully persuading dozens of restaurants to change their menus, and organizing volunteers across the country to raise awareness about the issues. While my victories were substantial, my impact was less than my capabilities.
The organization I worked for has made groundbreaking strides for animals using the law, prompted historic convictions, petitioned federal agencies to change regulations, and worked with law firms to create class action lawsuits. Similar organizations have lobbied state legislatures to adopt more humane legislation, entered legal agreements with animal agriculture trade groups to change practices, and brought civil and criminal cases against animal abusers. These are the sorts of contributions that I can and will make, and why I look forward to returning to that cramped living room awaiting the results, whether they be from an election, the legislature, or a judge’s decision. Next time, however, as a practicing attorney, I will have the tools necessary to influence the outcome, help determine the issues being considered, and better contribute to changing the lives of those who are often denied fair representation under the law.
. just out of curiosity, are you aiming for schools that specialize in animal law (i.e. lewis and clark)? if so, they'll love this.