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Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:40 pm
by SoPro
Something like this...

"While XXX is my number once choice, I have chosen not to ED. Though by attending XXX I would have the luxury of paying in-state tuition, it would be financially irresponsible to be committed to XXX when I am aware that a less costly offer is likely to surface. Nevertheless, I am (reaffirm commitment to XXX)."


I feel dirty writing it, but I am extremely debt averse. Any thoughts? Also, this occurs after several strong and legitimate reasons why X is my number one choice and the ideal school for me.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:55 pm
by somewherewarm
If it were my "Why X" I would just leave the part about EDing out. I think schools understand that even though they may be a student's number one choice, some students decide to apply to other schools in hopes of minimizing debt. However, you may want to wait for a few more responses until making your final decision about this sentence, I could see this being a sticky issue.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 6:59 pm
by Tom Joad
I don't think you even need to bring up EDing in your Why X statement. Schools should understand that applicants might want to apply to many schools and that doesn't make an applicant disingenuous if they have a top choice and don't ED.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:45 pm
by fanellex
Also learn about passive voice.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:49 pm
by Dany
Just take out the sentence entirely.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:56 pm
by crazyblink653
fanellex wrote:Also learn about passive voice.
+1. although i'm not sure it matters here, since i would advise you just take the entire sentence out. it comes off as kind of insincere and even a bit arrogant. that could just be me, though.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2011 9:58 pm
by SoPro
fanellex wrote:Also learn about passive voice.

Great link. At times, it plagues my writing.

Re: Would this sentence be inappropriate for a Why X Essay?

Posted: Thu Dec 01, 2011 10:44 am
by Perdevise
SoPro wrote:
fanellex wrote:Also learn about passive voice.

Great link. At times, it plagues my writing.
You mean, at times your writing is plagued with it.