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This is so much better than your precious draft. I really think you've got something here. Consider this my "tag" so I can go through it later with more attention to spacing and wording, but I really think you've got the right stuff going here.

bump

At best you have three paragraphs of material which you have stretched to six paragraphs. If I had to title your essay, it would be "Much Ado About Nothing". This writing is a touch awkward (because you try to BS the reader at various points in the essay), occasionally uses odd word choices and contains very little substance. The first paragraph & a half showed promise. The concluding paragraph is the epitome of BS--which is not a good way to end your writing.

P.S. I am curious about the magazine. Would you PM the title to me ?

CanadianWolf wrote:This writing is a touch awkward (because you try to BS the reader at various points in the essay), occasionally uses odd word choices and contains very little substance. The first paragraph & a half showed promise. The concluding paragraph is the epitome of BS--which is not a good way to end your writing.

P.S. I am curious about the magazine. Would you PM the title to me ?

Does it really come across that way? It was my attempt at sincerity, but I'm so used to academic writing that I wonder if I've confused "personal" with "corny."

As far as the title of the magazine, as much as I'd like to hype it I'm just not comfortable sharing info that could potentially identify myself here. Sorry.

I enjoyed this PS. I agree that everything felt genuine up until the conclusion - you gotta make the "why law" link tighter. Contributing to the pandering-feel of the conclusion is the fact that it is inconsistent with your essay. The gist of the essay is that you are seeing the other side and overcoming your own futility. The conclusion that you reached was that you have a desire to unite macro and practice, which was not the theme that was developed. You also assume that the reader knows you want to go to LS to do prisoners civil rights - I got the point on the 3rd read but you don't want the reader to have to do this much work.

Edited in a new conclusion. Does this work any better?

CONSIDER: Through litigation, I want to protect and advance prisoners' rights. Based on my experience at Prisoners' Rights Magazine, I know that this will be a challenging road fraught with disappointment, but I also know that the joy of small victories will enable me to continue to pursue the most elusive goals.

OP: Your new final paragraph contains too much unnecessary & flowery language that dilutes your message. In the post above, I have suggested a more direct & clearer approach.

Thanks for the input.