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PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh
Posted: Sun Oct 30, 2011 11:42 pm
by JuneLSATFail
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Re: PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 11:04 am
by JuneLSATFail
Bump.
Re: PS Re-Write- Looking for Constructive Criticism-Be Harsh
Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2011 12:43 pm
by danielhay11
You have a good story, but it's laden with an ineffective first paragraph. Watch out for typos ("It was in the fourth grade..."), cliche (turned upside down), and asymmetry (the opposite of "stable" is not "fell into an abyss"). Also, I would start with more of a bang. IMO, beginning a narrative with "I was XX years old" or "In 20XX" is boring. Maybe start with your mother. Was there something in her demeanor/expression that told you something was wrong before she even opened her mouth - was she looking around the room as she composed herself? were her hands shaking? etc...
I think the rest of the essay improves from there, but could still use some tweaking. If you want to swap, PM and I'll take a closer look at the other paragraphs after work.