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Colons do not work that way.

I'm just having a hard time finding the central theme/value/purpose/point.

I got about three paragraphs in and realized I didn't know a single thing about your personality, your abilities, skills, possibilities to exceed. I think you should condense the first half; need to know more about your life than this Lee gentleman. Then push forward into describing more in depth the things you had to do to resolve the situation which shows you could succeed in law school.

Just my two cents.

FryBreadPower wrote:I'm just having a hard time finding the central theme/value/purpose/point.

I got about three paragraphs in and realized I didn't know a single thing about your personality, your abilities, skills, possibilities to exceed. I think you should condense the first half; need to know more about your life than this Lee gentleman. Then push forward into describing more in depth the things you had to do to resolve the situation which shows you could succeed in law school.

Just my two cents.

I spent 3/4 of one paragraph describing Lee then spent the rest of the piece talking about my job. But I see your point about needing to go more in depth about how I resolved the situation. The focus was more what I learned from it, how I've matured and to point out that this was what pushed me to pursue law school. Did any of those features come through or no?

Also, the PS is about 3 paragraphs, so I'm unclear of how much of the PS you read.

hibiki wrote:Colons do not work that way.

Where? Why? How?

To be fair I didn't read the entire PS as it is boring. But from skimming it, it tells me little to nothing about you. I come away feeling sorry for your employee, not like I know you. Further, that is the very kind of action any supervisor should take so in my mind it doesn't set you apart or make you some kind of great boss.

Take the idea of your last paragraph, make it your first, and go from there.

pugilistjd wrote:

FryBreadPower wrote:I'm just having a hard time finding the central theme/value/purpose/point.

I got about three paragraphs in and realized I didn't know a single thing about your personality, your abilities, skills, possibilities to exceed. I think you should condense the first half; need to know more about your life than this Lee gentleman. Then push forward into describing more in depth the things you had to do to resolve the situation which shows you could succeed in law school.

Just my two cents.

I spent 3/4 of one paragraph describing Lee then spent the rest of the piece talking about my job. But I see your point about needing to go more in depth about how I resolved the situation. The focus was more what I learned from it, how I've matured and to point out that this was what pushed me to pursue law school. Did any of those features come through or no?

Also, the PS is about 3 paragraphs, so I'm unclear of how much of the PS you read.

I guess the breaks in the way you copy and pasted it made me think otherwise. I can see where you are going with your statement in terms of trying to stress your maturity and ability to see issues from different perspectives (statements that single out on aspect of law/economy/etc always seem kind of off-putting to me). But, I think the problem is that AdComms aren't going to sit with your statements and read it over and let it marinate. You have a one-shot, 2 page attempt to grab someone and not let them go.

Having read your other attempts it is clear that you have clearly gone through enough in your life to put together a solid statement. You just need to find what that angle is. I think you shouldn't worry so much about the hook right now. Just sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself, "What questions am I trying to answer here?" Write those questions down, and write brief, bullet point answers to those questions. Then you can start to craft a statement around those answers. Otherwise, your statement just starts to sound like a bad attempt to be bold/dramatic/memorable.

FryBreadPower wrote:

pugilistjd wrote:

FryBreadPower wrote:I'm just having a hard time finding the central theme/value/purpose/point.

I got about three paragraphs in and realized I didn't know a single thing about your personality, your abilities, skills, possibilities to exceed. I think you should condense the first half; need to know more about your life than this Lee gentleman. Then push forward into describing more in depth the things you had to do to resolve the situation which shows you could succeed in law school.

Just my two cents.

I spent 3/4 of one paragraph describing Lee then spent the rest of the piece talking about my job. But I see your point about needing to go more in depth about how I resolved the situation. The focus was more what I learned from it, how I've matured and to point out that this was what pushed me to pursue law school. Did any of those features come through or no?

Also, the PS is about 3 paragraphs, so I'm unclear of how much of the PS you read.

I guess the breaks in the way you copy and pasted it made me think otherwise. I can see where you are going with your statement in terms of trying to stress your maturity and ability to see issues from different perspectives (statements that single out on aspect of law/economy/etc always seem kind of off-putting to me). But, I think the problem is that AdComms aren't going to sit with your statements and read it over and let it marinate. You have a one-shot, 2 page attempt to grab someone and not let them go.

Having read your other attempts it is clear that you have clearly gone through enough in your life to put together a solid statement. You just need to find what that angle is. I think you shouldn't worry so much about the hook right now. Just sit down with a pen and paper and ask yourself, "What questions am I trying to answer here?" Write those questions down, and write brief, bullet point answers to those questions. Then you can start to craft a statement around those answers. Otherwise, your statement just starts to sound like a bad attempt to be bold/dramatic/memorable.

Thank you. This was very helpful.