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PS in need of repair
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 5:54 am
by TofferStrom
Thanks for the help everybody. Thanks especially to rinkrat for all the constructive criticism.
Re: PS in need of repair
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 6:07 am
by 174
TofferStrom wrote:exploring the nut-hard corrals
I came. Absolutely include this line in your revised personal statement. Aside from that, I would suggest going with something more conventional. (For example:
http://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/v ... 2&t=169112). If you want to be all creative and shit, law school isn't for you.
Re: PS in need of repair
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 11:59 am
by thederangedwang
stop trying to sound smart, deep, philosophical, or abstract and start sounding normal.
This is nowhere close to being a decent ps imho.
Re: PS in need of repair
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:05 pm
by rinkrat19
This is so incredibly pretentious it made my eyes bleed.
A metaphor loses its effectiveness when you fashion it into a hammer and beat the reader over the head with it. I hated your Ocean of Esoteric after the first paragraph and was hoping you'd (metaphorically) drown in it and stop writing.
Take a creative writing class and get it out of your system. Then take a business or technical writing class and learn how to write clearly.
Re: PS in need of repair
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:17 pm
by 2xHarvard
That was a beautiful essay!!
Suggest tweaking the 2d-to-last line because "Sympathy Avenue and Problem-solver Place" is a little goofy...reminiscent of Sesame Street?
Overall - I at least have a sense of who you are. You might want to read some other essays in various collections. Stay true to your own insights and don't ape others.
Re: PS in need of repair
Posted: Mon Oct 24, 2011 12:32 pm
by CanadianWolf
Agree that you should delete : "...on the corner of Sympathy Avenue and Problem-solver Place."
The primary concern is whether or not you want to use the one opportunity that law school applications allow to reveal more about yourself in this manner.