Highly-revised second version of my PS Forum

[horrorbusiness]

[laxbrah420]

why are you quoting your 4 year old self? i really dont think you have many memories from then, let alone perfect recall. also the idea of an external agent witnessing the "end of your naiveté" is absurd. other than that it's pretty good

[horrorbusiness]

why are you quoting your 4 year old self? i really dont think you have many memories from then, let alone perfect recall. also the idea of an external agent witnessing the "end of your naiveté" is absurd. other than that it's pretty good

Hey, thanks for the comment. I don't have perfect recall from then. As I mention, it's a story my mother tells.

[laxbrah420]

Oh I see that now. I thought you make your mom cry when you tell this story. Maybe I suck at reading --but maybe reword that first paragraph to make it evident that your mom is the one telling the story?

[salsahips]

"If I were to transcend our family’s humble beginnings, as my mother was working so hard to allow me to"

This sentence seems like it could be worded a little more smoothly.

Also, I think your mentoring experience is the strongest point in your essay in terms of connecting your motivations to action, you should talk about it more cause it comes in all the way at the end. You could probably say everything before that more succinctly and give yourself room to expand on the mentoring experience.

Just so you know, my PS had a similar structure/organization and talking too much about my family struggles (drug addict dad, single mom) was the most common critique. Everyone said it was important for context, but that law schools want to see growth and they like tangible examples.

[salsahips]

btw, I think the essay is really good and it has a great story. But the mood is too depressed for too long, you don't want to spend too much space on a negative note. When I read it a second time I liked it better, probably because I had already read the ending which ends on a higher note. But I realized on the first read that by the time I got to the mentoring paragraph I was still caught up with your family story.