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Any and all help greatly appreciated. Thanks

edited

Ok, dude. Your service and sacrifice are excellent, but your writing, not so much. It is short enough that I can still pull out the pieces, but these are not coherent paragraphs. The first has two disparate topics (your disability and then your post combat life.) Those should be separate paragraphs with strong topical sentences, conclusions, and a good transition.

Your second paragraph introduces your role as ambassador, but then goes off talking about the prestige of the silver star. Then you move on to your pride of service. These are three completely different ideas. So reorganize it.

Paragraph one - I laid it down for my country.
Paragraph two - I was awarded the silver star (and purple heart I presume.)
Paragraph three - Now I am serving in another capacity
Paragraph four - I would do it all again because I love and honor the men I served with. (Three and four can be combined)

Thanks for the input all. Hearing all the different opinions really help my effort to improve my statement to appeal to a broad audience.

Kublaikhan, is your input based on a 1 page or 2 page DS? I am concerned that if I break it into 4 paragraphs, it will look more like bullet points if each paragraph only has 3 or 4 sentences. I absolutely agree that I am struggling with my organization, and that my structure is the greatest opportunity area that I can improve on for my DS.

I am not adverse to writing a 1 1/2, 2 page DS, I just do not want to overdo it either as my PS is also fairly long (I believe you critiqued that too). I also have a GPA addendum, and for some applications, I plan on doing a Why X addendum.

Above all else though, thanks for the candid input. It is greatly appreciated.

EMZE wrote:Thanks for the input all. Hearing all the different opinions really help my effort to improve my statement to appeal to a broad audience.

Kublaikhan, is your input based on a 1 page or 2 page DS? I am concerned that if I break it into 4 paragraphs, it will look more like bullet points if each paragraph only has 3 or 4 sentences. I absolutely agree that I am struggling with my organization, and that my structure is the greatest opportunity area that I can improve on for my DS.

I am not adverse to writing a 1 1/2, 2 page DS, I just do not want to overdo it either as my PS is also fairly long (I believe you critiqued that too). I also have a GPA addendum, and for some applications, I plan on doing a Why X addendum.

Above all else though, thanks for the candid input. It is greatly appreciated.

You can write a paragraph that is a single sentence if it is a discrete idea. You do not have to follow the above organization, but you do need to organize. You could go: P1: I served and was injured. P2: I was honored for my contribution (medals) but am not done contributing (I still serve in a different capacity.)

It is all in how you frame it. If you want fewer paragraphs take larger snapshots.