Any feedback on my PS is greatly appreciated. Started a while ago and after a long delay, I finally finished. What does everyone think?
Regaining consciousness, I squinted up into the warm beach sun to see a crowd of scared and alarmed faces looking back at me. As I became more alert, the lack of feeling in my arms and legs was replaced by a feeling of panic. In a flash, a bright and sunny day at the beach along the Jersey Shore quickly turned pitch black as a huge wave lifted me high in the air and slammed me head first into the sand bar. That day changed the course of my life and the path that now lay before me shaped me into the person I am today.
The MRI confirmed what the agonizing pain in my neck and back was screaming. The rogue wave had broken six vertebrae in my thoracic spine. My heart pounded and my mind raced frenziedly upon hearing the news. My passion in life had always been centered on active things--swimming, exercising, playing football, and hanging out with my friends. What kind of life would I have now?
The subsequent weeks of recovery, while I lay in my bed waiting for the pain and swelling to subside and my doctor to evaluate my prognosis, I needed to be mentally and physically strong, to have hope, and to face my future head on, whatever that future might hold.
After committing myself to rehabilitation, I made great strides in a very short amount of time. I had rigorous physical therapy sessions, read volumes upon volumes of literature related to spinal injuries, and researched the latest breakthroughs in spinal injury rehabilitation. I became obsessed with improving.
Much to my physician’s surprise, I recovered way faster than expected. I even became an all-state football player my senior year. The adversity that I overcame garnered statewide media attention. My dedication and desire to succeed was chronicled throughout many different news outlets around New Jersey.
I am aware that one must possess certain intellectual capabilities to have a successful law school career. However, these numbers are not the sole predictor of the success one will experience during law school. My injury enabled me to develop intangibles that cannot be objectively measured. Throughout my college experience, I have used these morals to develop and polish my academic abilities. The motivation and determination I developed over five years ago has now been funneled into my intellectual development. I don’t want to simply be a good student; I want to be the best student. My passion to gain acceptance into law school is the next goal that I have set forth. I believe that my full recovery from a broken neck is a testament to my strong work ethic and drive to succeed. These characteristics that I posses will make me a positive asset to _____ law school.
Feedback on PS Forum
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rinkrat19
- Posts: 13922
- Joined: Sat Sep 25, 2010 5:35 am
Re: Feedback on PS
It's a good topic, but the writing needs help. Just from the first paragraph:
Regaining consciousness, I squinted up into the warm beach sun to see a crowd of scared and alarmed faces looking back at me.
'Scared' and 'alarmed' mean too close to the same thing to use both.
As I became more alert, the lack of feeling in my arms and legs was replaced by a feeling of panic.
Be precise. Your arms and legs did not feel panic.
In a flash, a bright and sunny day at the beach along the Jersey Shore quickly turned pitch black as a huge wave lifted me high in the air and slammed me head first into the sand bar.There is nothing to indicate that this sentence is a flashback and that it doesn't take place after you regained consciousness.
That day changed the course of my life and the path that now lay before me shaped me into the person I am today.
'That day changed' is past tense and 'that now lay before me' is present tense. Also, 'changed the course of my life' is pretty cliché. Consider: That day altered the path that my life would take, eventually shaping me into the person I am today.
Regaining consciousness, I squinted up into the warm beach sun to see a crowd of scared and alarmed faces looking back at me.
'Scared' and 'alarmed' mean too close to the same thing to use both.
As I became more alert, the lack of feeling in my arms and legs was replaced by a feeling of panic.
Be precise. Your arms and legs did not feel panic.
In a flash, a bright and sunny day at the beach along the Jersey Shore quickly turned pitch black as a huge wave lifted me high in the air and slammed me head first into the sand bar.There is nothing to indicate that this sentence is a flashback and that it doesn't take place after you regained consciousness.
That day changed the course of my life and the path that now lay before me shaped me into the person I am today.
'That day changed' is past tense and 'that now lay before me' is present tense. Also, 'changed the course of my life' is pretty cliché. Consider: That day altered the path that my life would take, eventually shaping me into the person I am today.
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CanadianWolf
- Posts: 11413
- Joined: Wed Mar 24, 2010 4:54 pm
Re: Feedback on PS
"...and to face my future head on." Reads like a cruel pun about your head & neck injuries.
"...volumes upon volumes..." is unnecessary. Just write "volumes of literature".
"...volumes upon volumes..." is unnecessary. Just write "volumes of literature".
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j12
- Posts: 169
- Joined: Fri Apr 01, 2011 3:41 pm
Re: Feedback on PS
You definitely have something you can work with, but it needs more work.
Also, this sentence made no sense to me, "The MRI confirmed what the agonizing pain in my neck and back was screaming"
It's a good overcoming adversity story. Maybe talk more about what you actually did to make such a recovery. Discuss what your intangibles bring to the table.
It also seemed like maybe you were trying to make up for weak numbers. Do not do this in your PS. Use an addendum for that.
Also, this sentence made no sense to me, "The MRI confirmed what the agonizing pain in my neck and back was screaming"
It's a good overcoming adversity story. Maybe talk more about what you actually did to make such a recovery. Discuss what your intangibles bring to the table.
It also seemed like maybe you were trying to make up for weak numbers. Do not do this in your PS. Use an addendum for that.
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TommyK
- Posts: 1309
- Joined: Fri Jun 25, 2010 3:08 pm
Re: Feedback on PS
Just throwing it out there, but what if you added something that shows that this has affected your motivation and competitiveness?
Right now, you're saying "I had a spinal injury when I was younger, I recovered because I'm so dedicated, and now I will crush law school"
Has there been anything since your injury (aside from your football successes) where you leveraged this relatively newly-minted motivation? I never really felt that recovering from a physical injury because you wanted to have a life similar to what you had known before was terribly relevant to having the motivation to study all night so you can have a life similar to what you want. The former seems more life self-preservation, while the latter is more aspirational. I think they're different and I'm not seeing the connection drawn here.
Right now, you're saying "I had a spinal injury when I was younger, I recovered because I'm so dedicated, and now I will crush law school"
Has there been anything since your injury (aside from your football successes) where you leveraged this relatively newly-minted motivation? I never really felt that recovering from a physical injury because you wanted to have a life similar to what you had known before was terribly relevant to having the motivation to study all night so you can have a life similar to what you want. The former seems more life self-preservation, while the latter is more aspirational. I think they're different and I'm not seeing the connection drawn here.
