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horrorbusiness wrote:Your essay is like 4 intro paragraphs for 4 different essays.

Grammar needs a lot of work - look at the first sentence of the 4th paragraph. That thing is nearly endless.

You might want to tone down your self-praise in the first paragraph. You make yourself out to some brilliant prodigy of a corporate executive, but (i'm reading between the lines and assuming here) it seems like you were actually a(n) (assistant?) store manager of a rent-a-car joint.

tmplge wrote: An employee was at my desk speaking to me but he was just a blur as I thought about life path ahead, I came out of my stare and got back to work.

tmplge wrote:I went through and read almost 30 different statements and I was lost. How was it that everyone else had these great topics and I was stuck? How did I not think of that? Then I began to write. Here is my first draft and I sure there are tons of issues that need to be corrected. I would greatly appreciate the TLS member to critique and advise me in the right direction.

PS

It had been almost two years since graduation and I was immediately hired by one of the largest private corporations in the world as a management trainee. I was sitting at my desk, working for one of the largest private corporations in the world. I had done well in this short amount of time with the company, broken nearly ever record for our region and raised the bar of every branch I was promoted. I was in a daze sipping coffee out of my styrofoam cup and sitting in a leather chair worth more than my suite-I had become accustomed to frequent promotions and found it more efficient not to personalize my space and use what the company provided. An employee was at my desk speaking to me but he was just a blur as I thought about life path ahead, I came out of my stare and got back to work. In the coming weeks the small heartburn turned into a roaring fire that drove me mad. I had set goals before I began working for the company and accomplished them all. This was originally to be a stepping stone toward a larger goal to better myself in order to help those around me. The time had come and I was at a divergence in the road. Way too vague. Plug in some detail. watch for the tautology in the first couple of sentences. Don't say "better myself in order to help those around me." It sounds bromidic and tagged on.

My family and I immigrated to the United States only a few years before the fall of the Soviet Union yet remnants remained all around us. I had grown accustomed to calling Vladimir Lenin grandfather Lenin because his image was in the background of so many family portraits; it seemed perfectly natural to me as a child growing up in public housing isolated from the other families of the neighborhood by both language and physical barriers. I had been instilled with the idea of the long-term by my family which I would not realize until several years later. They had prepared me to make a decision in life to choose a path that is seldom traveled, to put the needs and wants of others before my own. What does this have to do with the last paragraph Tavareesh!!!? Too broad. Disjointed

The days before that would lead to the climax of my resignation were consumed with overwhelming emotions and analysis of my past, Should be first line in second paragraph where I had planned my life to lead, and how I would get there. When I took the trainee position with Enterprise my goal was to move through the ranks in an effort to learn how to run a business and fine tune my leadership qualitiesa little unbelievable, sounds fake however I had learned far more than I could have imagined, the most important of which was the type of person I was. I had learned to play politics-something I had hated in the workplace-and was receiving praise from company executives and I became a mentor for newly hired employees. In my short term I had managed to meet and exceed all company goals and was generating just over 18million dollars of revenue a year yet something was missing. I had developed a need and desire for self fulfillment and satisfaction.
what the hell are you talking about now. I am lost again. It goes from random flash backs to bragging about employment experience??? very confusing.

We no longer lived in our old neighborhood and were comfortable in our new middleclass home yet I had returned to my old neighborhood and school where I grew up to work with a program whose goal was to change the path of atwhere in the world did this come from. You need ONE idea explained well not a bunch of ideas poorly glued together. risk kids-our goal was to keep them out of gangs and make sure they made it to high school in one piece. I had developed a leadership and government program in an area where laws were communicated through violence, arranged community involvement programs with local corporations in order to expose our kids to the world outside their window. The week before my resignation from Enterprise I returned to my old neighborhood-it had been almost a year. I realized my time had come to move towards a promise I had made to myself. ?My father never missed an opportunity to sit me down and tell me the stories of how strangers had helped him and use when we first arrived in this country and one in particular had left a grave impact. It was our third day in the U.S. and my father had managed to find his way to Downtown Los Angeles looking for a job but, he did not have enough money for the return trip. As his eyes met the bus drivers and he stood there confused and unable to communicate, he reached deep in his pocket searching for anything that might get him back to his family. Nothing. A vagrant man who was waiting in line behind him had understood the situation and paid the thirty-five cents before he walked back off the bus to get my father back home. This story shaped the person I had become. It became my long term investment in myself, an obsession to obtain the tools necessary to help others in my community; an effort to repay the common man for his good deeds toward others. I had made my decision, I would choose to take the road less traveled and it will make all the difference.

Angrygeopolitically wrote:make an outline

tmplge wrote:Anything in the first draft worth taking as the main topic and expanding on?