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taken down for editing.

thanks guys.

Reads too much like a resume, and is kind of boring with no coherent message throughout. I'd focus it down on one issue and re-write the whole thing.

The primary weakness in your personal statement is that you overload the reader with too many details while offering too little insight into you & your goals. To correct this imbalance, set forth a clear & succinct theme in the opening paragraph.

CanadianWolf wrote:The primary weakness in your personal statement is that you overload the reader with too many details while offering too little insight into you & your goals. To correct this imbalance, set forth a clear & succinct theme in the opening paragraph.

Agree. This is exactly what not to do.

Focus on ONE of the things you listed, talk about micro-anecdotes that really express who you are and why you're fascinating. I knew a girl who wrote about her experience trying to install a program on her computer one night, and she showed through the experience what kind of a person she is. She's at Yale now.

I know you've heard this before, but they know what extra-curriculars you've dine--it's in your resume. Look at everything that's on your resume and write about something other than those.