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If this writing is an early draft, then it has potential.

Lots of minor errors. For example, change the end of paragraph four to "may never be met" from "can never be met". Also, how does being a distance runner exemplify teamwork ? Check your commas.

Although enjoyable to read, you make several unsubstantiated claims & raise unanswered points such as regarding qualities necessary to succeed in law school, your LSAT score & undergraduate major. Overall, your personal statement lacks credibility when writing about matters not related to your family.

This essay was nothing special and it reads like a resume/cover letter (especially the third paragraph). You talk about doing track, interning for a judge, etc. THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE A RESUME.

Also, it sounds like you are going to law school because of your parents. You need to do this for yourself and concentrate on yourself. Not because your parents will feel proud of you.

I learn little about you. I can get your academic success from your transcript, interning for a judge from your resume, etc. This essay is underdeveloped.