Finished first draft of new topic, please critique
Posted: Mon Aug 29, 2011 4:29 pm
Revising
The intro is a bit long to just give background on hardship and then move into making your own opportunities. The theme is a good one but it's not very developed as it only comes into the essay in the 3rd paragraph.
The 5th paragraph's reflexive questions are repetitive, wordy and a little annoying. You could just say that you felt trepidation/were initially unsure b/c of 1-2 reasons but then overcame it.
You say "The program offered many benefits that have enabled me to succeed....blah blah" how? you just say it and move on without convincing the reader. The same problem repeats itself in various parts throughout the essay, you need to substantiate your claims and show rather than tell.
It needs a lot more fleshing out but the idea of the essay/structure isn't bad, and it's far more concise than what you had last time.