PS Draft Tear it up!
Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2011 3:20 pm
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https://www.top-law-schools.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=18&t=164027
+100. The statement was not very effective. So the Koreans were nice to you and you want to help others. So what. You state that theme multiple times. Also, quit with the "extra" words. Your PS is no longer available, but you would add words that would make the sentence harder to read. For example, "he stared at me excitedly" can just be, "he stared at me." You need to get rid of all those extra words so your essay is a simple, a clear read. Lastly, your last paragraph is kind of fluff/generic. You want to go into public interest, but your background does not necessairly seem like a natural fit. Additionally, law is more than helping the disadvantaged and you sound naive when you state that you want to "help the less fortunate." It can be true, but make me believe that is true by showing a background truly dedicated to that.Odd Future Wolf Gang wrote:I don't know. The way I look at it structurally, your essay can be broken down to:
TEACHING
HELPING
TEACHING
HELPING
TEACHING
FELT GOOD ABOUT TEACHING/HELPING.
BUT TEACHING/HELPING IS NOT ENOUGH. NYU LAW WILL EXPAND MY SET OF SKILLS TO HELP PEOPLE.
Not sure if that makes it any clearer. Like if you delete that last bit in the last paragraph about the NYU motto, learning skills in law school, blah blah, your essay reads like a personal statement for a School of Education, not law. It almost seems like it was just tacked on last minute. As a reader, in my mind I am thinking, "well, you don't need to go to law school to 'fight injustice,' 'help people immigriate,' blah blah." You're not being convincing enough for the reader.
Your personal statement really doesn't tell me much about who you are as a person, other than the fact that you want to uphold "communal values" and want to go to law school because of one episode in your life (the quantity is not the problem. A single event can be powerful, but, I don't know, you just don't describe it well enough to really affect me as a reader).
I would try to cut down the paragraphs detailing your experience (and make it more compelling), and then try to expand on why/how you make the connection between that experience and attending law school. I don't doubt your goals in public interest, but realize that basically 90% of the applicants are going to be writing about how they want to help other people. No one (at least no serious applicant) is going to write about how they want to make 160k and couldn't think of anything else to do with their shit humanities degree.
If you are going to stick to the generic formula (form/structure-wise), at least make the content more compelling is what I am saying.