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2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:03 am
by beta
removed for editing
Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:08 am
by Cupidity
"immediate and extended family" = family
fix to say, "the first person in my family."
Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:13 am
by Cupidity
beta wrote:
As a Jain member of the student body, I hope to continue sharing the lessons I had learned as a child and to learn from the alternate thoughts and ways of being of my peers. [/color]
This is one of the least readable sentences I have encountered today, and I am currently working on a pro-se prisoner's brief.
Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:19 am
by beta
i think first in the family is good, thanks.
any help tightening the first paragraph would be awesome. i know my conclusion is incoherent..im working on ideas.
Re: 2nd draft of non-urm DS, need help tightening and critique
Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 10:25 am
by CanadianWolf
DELETE: Delete the last sentence of the final paragraph " I look forward to representing Jainism on campus...".
CONSIDER: Ending the first paragraph at "...different beliefs." (DELETE: ";the hilarity of being called Grass Lover...".