Rough draft optional Penn essay Forum
- Yeshia90
- Posts: 986
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am
Rough draft optional Penn essay
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Last edited by Yeshia90 on Wed Aug 10, 2011 4:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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- Posts: 22
- Joined: Thu Oct 28, 2010 7:52 pm
Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay
Don't wait "on line"...I know it's a regional thing, but outside of NYC I think you should use "in line"
- Yeshia90
- Posts: 986
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am
Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay
Really? Huh, never knew that. Then again, if that's the worst you've got, I'll take it!lolok wrote:Don't wait "on line"...I know it's a regional thing, but outside of NYC I think you should use "in line"
- crumpetsandtea
- Posts: 7147
- Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 7:57 pm
Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay
A few notes:
- don't use contractions
- the last sentence of the first P seems to run on a bit. you might want to take out some of the commas and split it up
- IMO, spend less space on the intro and get to the 'how this relates to law' a bit faster...there was a moment where I wondered when the meat of the statement was coming.
- related to the previous point: you say 'couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t care' but you don't actually put in a sentence about WHY you care so much. Yes, it's the first codified set of laws, but what was YOUR reaction to it? I think you should add maybe 1 or 2 sentences between "floored" and "I tried" that basically describe why you were floored in the first place...if that makes any sense XD You kinda get into it towards the end, but it needs to come earlier too, otherwise we don't get why you're so surprised that your friends don't care.
- The last sentence seems a tad bit superfluous/generic. If you can, I'd try to tie it in more specifically. Conclusion sentences are tough though, so if you keep it that way I don't think it's a HUGE deal.
- don't use contractions
- the last sentence of the first P seems to run on a bit. you might want to take out some of the commas and split it up
- IMO, spend less space on the intro and get to the 'how this relates to law' a bit faster...there was a moment where I wondered when the meat of the statement was coming.
- related to the previous point: you say 'couldn’t understand why they wouldn’t care' but you don't actually put in a sentence about WHY you care so much. Yes, it's the first codified set of laws, but what was YOUR reaction to it? I think you should add maybe 1 or 2 sentences between "floored" and "I tried" that basically describe why you were floored in the first place...if that makes any sense XD You kinda get into it towards the end, but it needs to come earlier too, otherwise we don't get why you're so surprised that your friends don't care.
- The last sentence seems a tad bit superfluous/generic. If you can, I'd try to tie it in more specifically. Conclusion sentences are tough though, so if you keep it that way I don't think it's a HUGE deal.
- Yeshia90
- Posts: 986
- Joined: Sun Apr 03, 2011 12:23 am
Re: Rough draft optional Penn essay
You're the best, C&T.
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