Intro and Basic Idea..HELP Forum

[raulduder]

I have been lurking around this site for a while. I joined because I really need some advice. My idea is to incorporate this story I encountered into my PS. I want to basically use the story of life inside this old man as the potential and qualities inside myself and why I am qualified for law school. I dont know if i need to include that he came back to life or just leave it as it is because i think it serves its purpose. Does this sound ridiculous because it sounds pretty good to me if I can do it the right way? Also, if anyone has any suggestions that could be useful then they would appreciated. Also, if there is any spelling or grammar errors then please point them out? Here is my intro so far:

It was the summer after my sophomore year; I was working as a research coordinator for a prestigious cardiology study. In the study, the cardiologists were using different vital statistics of intubated patients in an attempt to predict cardiac arrest. I had the responsibility of collecting the data by setting up machines and monitoring them. One day, I was in a patient’s room when two family members came to visit him. The patient was an old man that was hooked up to several machines and in a coma. It was pretty clear that the visitors were his wife and son, which created an emotional scene. The son grabbed his father’s hand and dropped to his knees. He began to cry and said, “I know you are in there and I want to tell you I love you”.

[pokefan876]

I read the whole "come back to life idea" and my biggest concern is that you may lose yourself/your PS in trying to convey a clever story...

Also, I find the story/idea compelling, but make sure that it doesn't be come too much a soap opera type of script.

No blatant grammatical errors stood out to me.

I'd be happy to look at the finished product as well.

[raulduder]

Thanks I appreciate it. Thats my problem I'm trying to make it so its just the intro, but I am having difficulty transitioning the story into one about myself. Im thinking about ending the story about the old man now, and somehow making into myself and my potential. I appreciate your willingness to look at the final one too. As soon as Im done, Ill PM you.

[pokefan876]

Sure, we can swap once you're finished..

[kublaikahn]

Write the rest of it so we have an idea what you are getting at when you say there is a connection between "the life in teh old man and the character in you". I have no idea what you mean.

Also IMO, from a writing standpoint, the "mystery narrative" to start the PS is a somewhat contrived construction. It was this. I was that. This type of passive, descriptive narrative does not really demonstrate writing excellence.