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Posted: Fri Jun 03, 2011 1:12 pm
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Now get real. Talk about the pain you felt as you lost the weight and the knowledge you gained as you realized why you carried the weight in the first place. You were fat for a reason. Talk about the wound.Ktenas wrote:I was at an all time low. I had spent the last half hour staring at myself in the mirror, disgusted at the person looking back at me. I was about 100 pounds overweight. I had no plans for the future and my life lacked any sort of direction. I had just graduated high school and enrolled in courses at the local community college. I was always an average student in high school, the idea of attending law school was inconceivable. I couldn't even stand the sight of myself in the mirror and I finally came to the realization that I was unhappy with my life and that some major changes were needed.
I used to be fat. Not overweight, pudgy, or rotund. I was obese. I carried an extra hundred pounds and was so ashamed that I once went three months without looking at myself in the mirror. I could not bear what I saw and I could not believe this was my life. My weight had become a barrier to my success physically, academically, emotionally, and in my personal relationships. I felt alone and empty. Then one day after high school, I was driving myself to the community college where I had been hiding and I heard a voice on the radio say, "If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you always got." I realized that the life I hated had been my own choice.
I took the first step of my personal transformation when I decided that it was time I finally get myself in shape physically....
ITEDreamer wrote:Now get real. Talk about the pain you felt as you lost the weight and the knowledge you gained as you realized why you carried the weight in the first place. You were fat for a reason. Talk about the wound.Ktenas wrote:I was at an all time low. I had spent the last half hour staring at myself in the mirror, disgusted at the person looking back at me. I was about 100 pounds overweight. I had no plans for the future and my life lacked any sort of direction. I had just graduated high school and enrolled in courses at the local community college. I was always an average student in high school, the idea of attending law school was inconceivable. I couldn't even stand the sight of myself in the mirror and I finally came to the realization that I was unhappy with my life and that some major changes were needed.
I used to be fat. Not overweight, pudgy, or rotund. I was obese. I carried an extra hundred pounds and was so ashamed that I once went three months without looking at myself in the mirror. I could not bear what I saw and I could not believe this was my life. My weight had become a barrier to my success physically, academically, emotionally, and in my personal relationships. I felt alone and empty. Then one day after high school, I was driving myself to the community college where I had been hiding and I heard a voice on the radio say, "If you keep doing what you have always done, you will keep getting what you always got." I realized that the life I hated had been my own choice.
I took the first step of my personal transformation when I decided that it was time I finally get myself in shape physically....
I really like the general direction of this. Could potentially be an excellent PS.Ktenas wrote:
“We would all be a lot more comfortable if you weren't sitting next to us”. These words shattered any remains of self confidence I had left. I was at dinner with a few of my friends when a stranger, unhappy with the seating arrangements, let his voice be heard. Throughout dinner I tried to fight back the tears and keep composure. On the verge of breaking down, I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted by the man staring back at me. How did I let myself get like this? I was not just overweight, I was obese. I had reached 300 pounds and was still gaining weight. My weight had become a barrier to my success physically, academically, emotionally, and in my personal relationships. I was alone and empty. I was so preoccupied with my weight problem that I had no plans for the future. My life lacked any sort of direction. I had just graduated high school and enrolled in courses at the local community college. I was always an average student in high school, the idea of attending law school was inconceivable. I realized that the life I hated had been my own choice. It was time for change.
"I realized that the life I hated had been my own choice."Ktenas wrote:I had just graduated high school and enrolled in courses at the local community college. Iwas alwayshad been an average student in high school--and the idea of attending law school was inconceivable.I realized that the life I hated had been my own choice. It was time for change.
What you should be trying to convey is that where once stood a self-hating underachiever, now stands a winner. We really do not need to know who hurt you or how. We also do not need to be told about your determination, attitude, etc. We need to be shown. I believe the statement about 'you being in control' and the choice being yours even if the choice is subconscious is a great way to explain how you transformed (that is your epiphany). So I think you can work that. I feel like you are missing that point though and saying that the pain and humiliation is what turned you. I wouldn't do that. I think an opening or awareness is a greater angle.Ktenas wrote: Im trying to convey that the life i was living (average student, obese, no self confidence, etc..) was because of the conscious lifestyle choices i was making. I had no one to blame but myself. Im having a hard time wording "I realized that the life I hated had been my own choice."
This is playng the victim. If you want to use the restaurant scene you need to turn it inward. "He said what I felt inside. The world was better off without me." But also you must quickly pivot from your rock bottom/epiphany to you "Rocky running in the streets"I'm also unhappy with the sentence "These words shattered any remains of self esteem I had left.".
If you want to convey the feeling you had then why dont you do that? "Those words stung, and as I fought back the tears I realized they hurt not only because I was humiliated, but because I believed them"I want there to be more of an impact, i want to show the reader just how much these words stung.
So what you are saying is we live in a world of assholes? This matters on your PS how? This is about you, not all the jackasses in the world. My point is, facing your demons and actualizing your true self is an inspiring story. Hearing about yet another victim is not.When he said this, i decided not to eat dinner because i felt so bad about myself. What pissed me off the most was, he continually taunted me during dinner. Anyone have any ideas on how i could rewrite that line
["We would all be a lot more comfortable if you weren't sitting next to us”. The stranger at the next table's words stung, and as I fought back the tears, I realized they hurt not only because I was humiliated in public, but because I believed the message. Carrying an extra hundred pounds, I was ashamed to eat in public restaurants. I went to the restroom to regroup and spent a half an hour looking at the unrecognizable man staring back in the glass.]"We would all be a lot more comfortable if you weren't sitting next to us”. These words shattered any remains of self esteem I had left. I was at dinner with a few of my friends when a stranger, unhappy with the seating arrangements, let his indignation be known. Throughout dinner I tried to fight back the tears and keep composure. On the verge of breaking down, I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror. I was disgusted by the man staring back at me. How did I let myself get like this? I was not just overweight, I was obese. I almost reached 300 pounds and continued to gain weight. My weight had become a barrier to my success physically, academically, emotionally, and in my personal relationships. I was alone and empty. I was so preoccupied with my weight problem that I had given very little consideration to my future. My life lacked any sort of direction. After high school I aimlessly enrolled in courses at the local community college. I had been an average student in high school, the idea of attending law school was inconceivable. I realized that the life I hated resulted from the lifestyle choices I made. If I were to be happy, I needed to change.
The weightloss bit is good, but then when you transition to talking about how you applied it to your school work, it starts to sound like a GPA addendum. Can you talk about how you applied those same attitudes to other areas of your life, so that we get a sense of your complete transformation, instead of just physically and academically? Right now it sounds a little bit like "I used to be a fat Van Wilder, but then I lost weight and realized maybe it shouldn't take me 9 years to graduate, so I stopped being lazy and then I made the dean's list. BTW, I won't be lazy in law school."Ktenas wrote:“We would all be a lot more comfortable if you were not sitting next to us.” The words of a stranger who accompanied my friends and I to dinnerwordshad a profound impact on me. As I fought back tears and tried to maintain composure, I realized it was not only because I was humiliated, but because I believed his words to be true. I went to the restroom to regroup and spent half an hour looking at the unrecognizable man staring back in the glass. How did I let myself get like this? I was embarrassed to be seen in public. I was not just overweight; I was obese. I was almost 300 pounds and continuingedto gain weight. My weight had become a barrier to my success physically, academically, emotionally, and in my personal relationships. I was alone and empty inside. I was so preoccupied with my weight problem that I had given remarkably little attention to my future. My life was devoid of direction. After high school, I aimlessly enrolled in courses at the local community college. I was an average student in high school; the idea of attending law school was inconceivable. I realized that the life I had grown to hate resulted from the conscious choices I made. I realized that I did not have to stay unhappy with myself. If I were to live the life I wanted I needed to change [Are these realizations happening during your time in community college or while you were staring in the bathroom mirror? Proximity makes it sound like the former, but I think it's supposed to be the latter?].
I took the first step of my personal transformation when I decided that it was time I finally get myself in shape physically. I tried to control my weight problem for years. Constant failure led me to believe that my weight problem was insurmountable and any attempt to change it was futile. “If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you have always gotten.” These words of inspiration helped me develop the attitude which I used to shed almost 100 pounds. Losing the weight took an immense amount of disciplineanddedication and sacrifice.I had to make sacrifices.Day after day I relentlessly annihilated my body at the gym. I ran until the point of collapse. I pushed rep after rep until my muscles gave out, and then I pushed myself even further. There were times when progress seemed stagnant; times that I felt that I was wasting my time and could never accomplish my goals. I channeled this frustration and fearof failureinto motivation. I would not choke on failure. Every day I reminded myself of my goals and my motivation for achieving them. I refined my strategy to accomplish them as needed. If I were to lose weight efficiently and effectively, I was going to need to arm myself with the necessary information. I spent hours researching effective exercise and diet regimens. I tested each one thoroughly until I found one that worked. Istarted learninglearned how the human body works. It was learning about the science behind exercise and dieting that renewed my interest in learning [Can you rephrase this so you're not using learning twice? My immediate question was "Your interest in learning what?].
After 10 long and strenuous months, I finally achieved my goal. I successfully turned my dreams into reality. I attained the physique I wanted. I felt as if I was on top of the world. My confidence was at an all time high. The beliefs, attitudes, values, perspectives, and lessons [This list is too long. Pick 2 or 3.] I learned on my weight loss journey are essential to the person I am today and the reason for my personal and academic success. With a new found confidence fused with discipline, inspiration, motivation, determination and perseverance [Again, pick 2 or 3], I realized that with the right mind-set I could accomplish anything. I decided to take my new ideology and apply it to my studies. I finally started to realize my true potential for academic success.
At first, my newfound outlook on school began with the sole objective of proving to myself that I am capable of making the dean's list. I realized that just as I needed to refine my diet and exercise plan to get the results I wanted, I would have toadoptapply this mentalitywithto my study habits. I learned how to become a more efficient reader, practiced my general problem solving skills, and significantly improved my time management and organizational skills. More importantly, however, I changed my attitude toward my capacity to learn. I stopped believing that some subjects were beyond my level of comprehension. With the right amount of dedication, I could learn anything I wanted. I started to excel academically. As I matured intellectually, my incentives became much more than respectable grades and maintaining my GPA. I developed a zealous thirst for knowledge. When I started classes at Illinois State University my focus shifted entirely away from grades. I chose a major that would help challenge and refine my creative, analytical, and critical thinking abilities. As time went on, I realized that challenges were no longer just obstacles that needed to be overcome, they were opportunities to improve myself.
I believe all of my personal and academic experience has provided me with a solid foundation for pursuing a legal education. I hope to rise to the great challenges that law school has to offer. I believe that my academic potential has yet to be fully realized. I look forward to continually pushing myself to see what I am capable of accomplishing. More importantly, I look forward to enjoying the success in which I shall undoubtedly achieve.