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thanks all

I'm not too fond of your colloquial writing style and I think it lacks the sophistication needed for a great PS. However, what's more concerning is the content. I think you should try and deliver a more poignant message and incorporate more emotions in your essay. All I can think after reading your essay is "so what?" Answer the "so what" with a convincing argument and you'll have adcomms sold.

Also, too much re-hashing of your resume. A good PS will be able to take a segment of your resume and shape it into a compelling story rather than gloss over your somewhat-related-to-helping-people list of activities.

Who is Albert Bandura?

glacierfrost wrote:Who is Albert Bandura?

psychologist---social learning theory, theory of self-efficacy

I stopped reading after "Once upon a time," and I'll bet many adcoms would too.

Anomaly wrote:I stopped reading after "Once upon a time," and I'll bet many adcoms would too.

Can't believe I didn't mention that also...but that was also my first impression.

Anomaly wrote:I stopped reading after "Once upon a time," and I'll bet many adcoms would too.

This.

thanks for the feedback everyone!

I just understood where your "once upon a time" was coming from (not a good thing....most people won't randomly remember why).

If you want to thread the theme of a broken fairy tale into your essay, it has to have a stronger presence. More set-up, more dramatic tear-down. I think with your level of writing you should ditch the idea, however. It's something that even I (as a well-accomplished English major) would be hesitant to attempt. Also there are some frames that should not be done for admissions essays and this one is a good example.