Why, I'd like some help with my personal statement of course Forum

[cmraider]

I've got a deadline coming up soon for this PS, and I'd like any feedback I can get. The guidelines state that it must be app. 500 words. Throughout the writing process, it has been 850, 725, 600, 550 and now 435 words, so I figure I can add about ~100 words.


The courthouse is old—so old the hardwood floors creak with every few steps. The walls are covered with pictures of long-dead jurists and politicians who look out with the most serious of stares. Like a group of freshmen attending its first week of classes, we meander through the halls, our gazes shifting between the folded papers in our hands and the dozens of doors we pass by. Everyone feels a nervous anticipation that will no doubt be amplified upon our arrival at the proper room, but it’s appropriate given the circumstances. After all, we’re vying for the *State* High School Mock Trial championship.
We arrived at this frenzied state by finishing in the top two at the *County* competition. This allowed us to pursue the state championship in *Capital*, and while we didn’t leave *Capital's Nickname* with the trophy, the seed had already been planted—I wanted to become a lawyer. Whether it was examining how societal norms have changed, employing logical reasoning or enjoying the intellectual stimulation, my interest in law only grew after I entered college.
Throughout my undergraduate career, I was always enamored with my law classes even though I chose journalism as a major. Now I’m more than a year removed from college and have worked for both The *Local newspaper*, as a reporter, and *Local Advertising Company*, and the desire to become an attorney still resonates. The skills I acquired through my communications background will undoubtedly be useful as I pursue a legal education and career as I am deadline oriented, a skilled writer, an experienced interviewer, a tedious researcher and an avid reader.
There isn’t any other place I would like to study jurisprudence than the University of *State*. I’ve lived in *City where university is located* most of my life and matriculating in the state of *...* would be the ideal situation. Due to its location, cost and prestige, *University* offers something that no other school can—a place to get a top-notch, affordable legal education in my own backyard. Additionally, I would like to work in my home state after graduation, and a *University* J.D. provides the best opportunity for me to do this due to its reputation among the local legal community and vast in-state alumni network.
Attending *University* would also offer a way for me to once again meander through the halls of that courthouse in *Capital*. I want to feel the wood ache beneath my feet and to see the glaring portraits, though not while taking part in a competition or school function, but instead as an attorney and *University* alum.

[LSATclincher]

It was pretty good until I got to the "why x law school" stuff. It's blatantly generic and extremely forced. Unless the school specifically requires this, delete and talk more about you. They want to know about you; not about them.

Also, lose the awkward language: meander, amplified, top-notch, ache beneath my feet

[esq]

Here are some of my reactions, and corrections made, as I read through your PS:

-the seed had already been (passive) was planted—I wanted to become a lawyer.

-Whether it was examining how societal norms have changed, employing logical reasoning or enjoying the intellectual stimulation, my interest in law only grew after I entered college. - Well, what was it that made you interested in law? Only you know! Be direct, don't leave it to the adcomms to guess what it is that makes you tick. Say: "this is what makes me tick! It's who I am!"

-The skills I acquired through my communications background will undoubtedly be useful as I pursue a legal education and career(.) I am deadline oriented, a skilled writer, an experienced interviewer, a tedious researcher and an avid reader.

-Attending *University* would also offer a way for me to once again meander through the halls of that courthouse in *Capital*. I want to feel the wood ache beneath my feet and to see the glaring portraits, though not while taking part in a competition or school function, but instead as an attorney and *University* alum. -WTF?

I think that you are trying so hard to impress that you PS comes off as disingenuous. I think that if you are going to go with the "I have the skills to succeed" bit, you need to be frank with them right off the bat and then incorporate them into how they really are going to help you in specific ways through law school. Something like:

Through my experience as a debater, I came to understand that if I prepared harder than those around me, I usually found success. I learned proper research techniques, the importance of making my facts stand out, and presenting them in a direct way that allowed the listener to easily understand what I was trying to say. . . I feel that the skills that I learned as a debater will help me during my legal education and during my career as an attorney. I would like to take the skill set that I have and study to become a litigation attorney. I would like to participate in the the schools nationally recognized moot court, which I see as another interesting way that I can develop my legal interests. . . etc.

Something like this is far more specific, lets them know that you have looked into their program, that you understand how you fit with your skill set and can contribute, and how they can help you develop your legal interests. I think that going this route is certainly better than the generic reasons that you have listed in your PS.

[aguaman13]

It was pretty good until I got to the "why x law school" stuff. It's blatantly generic and extremely forced. Unless the school specifically requires this, delete and talk more about you. They want to know about you; not about them.

Agreed. I would especially drop the part about the school being affordable. There must be better ways to use that space in a 500 word statement.

I would also recommend giving a more profound reason for wanting to be an attorney. Is there any way in which you plan on applying your ability to lawyer?

[cmraider]

After reading the responses on here, I went through and made some edits/re-writes. Hopefully, I made some progress.


The courthouse is old—so old the hardwood floors creak with every few steps. The walls are covered with pictures of long-dead jurists and politicians who look out with the most serious of stares. Like a group of freshmen attending its first week of classes, we wander through the halls, our gazes shifting between the folded papers in our hands and the dozens of doors we pass by. Everyone feels a nervous anticipation that will no doubt be intensified upon our arrival at the proper room, but it’s appropriate given the circumstances. After all, we’re vying for the High School Mock Trial championship.

We arrived at this frenzied state by finishing in the top two at the County competition. This allowed us to pursue the state championship in *Capital*, and while we didn’t leave *Capital's Nickname* with the trophy, the seed was planted—I wanted to become a lawyer. The law classes I took in college only reinforced that notion. Whether it was examining how societal norms have changed, implementing my logical reasoning or the intellectual stimulation, learning about law only caused my interest to grow.

Throughout my undergraduate career, I was always enamored with my law courses even though I chose journalism as a major. Now I’m more than a year removed from college and have worked for both The *local newspaper*, as a reporter, and *local ad agency*, and the desire to become an attorney still resonates. The skills I acquired through my communications background will undoubtedly be useful as I pursue a legal education and career. I am deadline oriented, a skilled writer, an experienced interviewer, a tedious researcher and an avid reader.

One of the biggest influences which cemented my passion to pursue law was when I served as a residential counselor at a residential treatment center for children with autism and behavior problems. This particular facility housed high-risk, usually violent students, and some of which were admitted on court order to avoid jail time. During my tenure, hourly employees were routinely asked to work off the clock, their hours were adjusted to prevent them from earning overtime pay and their safety put at risk by the management staff, which strongly discouraged physical intervention. A counselor could be fired for grabbing a child’s wrist, even if that student was attacking the employee. Watching those in charge exploit the workers who risked physical harm every day led me to a more focused legal calling: employment law. It made me want to provide justice for those in situations like mine.

The next step for me is to attend the University of *State*. This is the school which sits less than 10 miles from my house. This is the university which awarded my mother her master’s degree. This is the same college which I hope will bring my ambition one step forward. My pursuit of law began in *Capital*, surrounded by those glaring portraits, and I aim to walk those noisy floors again, I want to do my part to provide justice to those oppressed by their employers.

[aguaman13]

After reading the responses on here, I went through and made some edits/re-writes. Hopefully, I made some progress.


The courthouse is old—so old the hardwood floors creak with every few steps. The walls are covered with pictures of long-dead jurists and politicians who look out with the most serious of stares. Like a group of freshmen attending its first week of classes, we wander through the halls, our gazes shifting between the folded papers in our hands and the dozens of doors we pass by. Everyone feels a nervous anticipation that will no doubt be intensified upon our arrival at the proper room, but it’s appropriate given the circumstances. After all, we’re vying for the High School Mock Trial championship.

We arrived at this frenzied state by finishing in the top two at the County competition. This allowed us to pursue the state championship in *Capital*, and while we didn’t leave *Capital's Nickname* with the trophy, the seed was planted—I wanted to become a lawyer. The law classes I took in college only reinforced that notion. Whether it was examining how societal norms have changed, implementing my logical reasoning or the intellectual stimulation, learning about law only caused my interest to grow.

Throughout my undergraduate career, I was always enamored with my law courses even though I chose journalism as a major. Now I’m more than a year removed from college and despite having worked for both The *local newspaper*, as a reporter, and *local ad agency*, and the desire to become an attorney still resonates. In fact, that desire has become too strong to ignore.The skills I acquired through my communications background will undoubtedly be useful as I pursue a legal education and career. I am deadline oriented, a skilled writer, an experienced interviewer, a tedious researcher and an avid reader. I would insert this in the workers' rights paragraph.

I would move this paragraph up one and begin something like this: I discovered how in which I would like to apply my abilities when I served as a ..... One of the biggest influences which cemented my passion to pursue law was when I served as a residential counselor at a residential treatment center for children with autism and behavior problems. This particular facility housed high-risk, usually violent students, and some of which were admitted on court order to avoid jail time. During my tenure, hourly employees were routinely asked to work off the clock, their hours were adjusted to prevent them from earning overtime pay and their safety put at risk by the management staff, which strongly discouraged physical intervention. A counselor could be fired for grabbing a child’s wrist, even if that student was attacking the employee. Watching those in charge exploit the workers who risked physical harm every day led me to a more focused legal calling: employment law. It made me want to provide justice for those in situations like mine.

The next step for me is to attend the University of *State*. This is the school which sits less than 10 miles from my house. This is the university which awarded my mother her master’s degree. This is the same college which I hope will bring my ambition one step forward. My pursuit of law began in *Capital*, surrounded by those glaring portraits, and I aim to walk those noisy floors again, I want to do my part to provide justice to those oppressed You may have been exploited, but oppressed is a pretty dramatic statement. The people of Egypt were oppressed. You had a bad boss. I would also remove your comment bout not being able to grab a child's wrist and your issue with their discouragement of physical intervention. I'm sure you have a good reason for feeling the way you do, but I immediately wondered why you wanted to be allowed to physically intervene. The job was admirable, don't write yourself out of that. Focus on the way you were taken advantage of and how that may have triggered thought of other workers.by their employers.

[TheTopBloke]

I've got a deadline coming up soon for this PS, and I'd like any feedback I can get. The guidelines state that it must be app. 500 words. Throughout the writing process, it has been 850, 725, 600, 550 and now 435 words, so I figure I can add about ~100 words.


The courthouse is old—so old the hardwood floors creak with every few steps. The walls are covered with pictures of long-dead jurists and politicians who look out with the most serious of stares. Like a group of freshmen attending its first week of classes, we meander through the halls, our gazes shifting between the folded papers in our hands and the dozens of doors we pass by. Everyone feels a nervous anticipation that will no doubt be amplified upon our arrival at the proper room, but it’s appropriate given the circumstances. After all, we’re vying for the *State* High School Mock Trial championship.
We arrived at this frenzied state by finishing in the top two at the *County* competition. This allowed us to pursue the state championship in *Capital*, and while we didn’t leave *Capital's Nickname* with the trophy, the seed had already been planted—I wanted to become a lawyer. Whether it was examining how societal norms have changed, employing logical reasoning or enjoying the intellectual stimulation, my interest in law only grew after I entered college.
Throughout my undergraduate career, I was always enamored with my law classes even though I chose journalism as a major. Now I’m more than a year removed from college and have worked for both The *Local newspaper*, as a reporter, and *Local Advertising Company*, and the desire to become an attorney still resonates. The skills I acquired through my communications background will undoubtedly be useful as I pursue a legal education and career as I am deadline oriented, a skilled writer, an experienced interviewer, a tedious researcher and an avid reader.
There isn’t any other place I would like to study jurisprudence than the University of *State*. I’ve lived in *City where university is located* most of my life and matriculating in the state of *...* would be the ideal situation. Due to its location, cost and prestige, *University* offers something that no other school can—a place to get a top-notch, affordable legal education in my own backyard. Additionally, I would like to work in my home state after graduation, and a *University* J.D. provides the best opportunity for me to do this due to its reputation among the local legal community and vast in-state alumni network.
Attending *University* would also offer a way for me to once again meander through the halls of that courthouse in *Capital*. I want to feel the wood ache beneath my feet and to see the glaring portraits, though not while taking part in a competition or school function, but instead as an attorney and *University* alum.

You lost me at the beginning of the second sentence. Don't try so hard.

[Flustercluck]

The courthouse is old—so old the hardwood floors creak with every few steps. The walls are covered with pictures of long-dead jurists and politicians who look out with the most serious of stares. Like a group of freshmen attending its first week of classes, we wander through the halls, our gazes shifting between the folded papers in our hands and the dozens of doors we pass by. Everyone feels a nervous anticipation that will no doubt be intensified upon our arrival at the proper room, but it’s appropriate given the circumstances. After all,We’re vying for the High School Mock Trial championship. You just spent 1/4 of your personal statement on painting a picture. Great, except this isn't a creative writing exercise, it's a personal statement, and you've used up a ton of space talking about something other than YOU. Creative writing doesn't impress someone who's looking at your potential in LAW. Get to the point faster

We arrived at this frenzied state by finishing in the top two at the County competition. awkward phrasingThis allowed us to pursue the state championship in *Capital*, and while we didn’t leave *Capital's Nickname* with the trophy, the seed was planted—I wanted to become a lawyer.What planted the seed. what experience did you have? talk more about what happened, your success, your experience. Saying the seed was planted is easy, explaining how the seed was planted and what it reveals about you as a person is way more valuable The law classes I took in college only reinforced that notion. how? this is the area you should expand upon. what experiences? be more specificWhether it was examining how societal norms have changed, implementingtry employing instead, and don't say you did it, show examples of how you did it my logical reasoning or the intellectual stimulation, learning about law only caused my interest to grow.

Throughout my undergraduate career, I was always enamored with my law courses even though I chose journalism as a major. why did you choose journalism? does it relate to the same reasons you now choose law. don't just tie together the capabilities, tie together the motivations. Without that, you seem like someone who wanted to be a journalist and realized newspapers were dying so now you're trying your hand at lawNow I’m more than a year removed from college and have worked for both The *local newspaper*, as a reporter, and *local ad agency*, and the desire to become an attorney still resonates. The skills I acquired through my communications background will undoubtedly be useful as I pursue a legal education and career. I am deadline oriented, a skilled writer, an experienced interviewer, a tedious researcher and an avid reader. once again, you need to describe examples of this. also, saying things like "i'm a skilled writer" are off-putting. Let the writing speak for itself, and give examples instead of just saying how great you are... it sounds amateurish

One of the biggest influences which cemented my passion to pursue law was when I served as a residential counselor at a residential treatment center for children with autism and behavior problems. This particular facility housed high-risk, usually violent students, and some of which were admitted on court order to avoid jail time. During my tenure, hourly employees were routinely asked to work off the clock, their hours were adjusted to prevent them from earning overtime pay and their safety put at risk by the management staff, which strongly discouraged physical intervention. A counselor could be fired for grabbing a child’s wrist, even if that student was attacking the employee. rephrase this as helping, it sounds like you're promoting physically harming these kids. I have a good friend who works with autistic children and I know how violent they can be, but your phrsing makes it sound like frustration with the child, not with the employersWatching those in charge exploit the workers who risked physical harm every day led me to a more focused legal calling: employment law. It made me want to provide justicea little over the top here. try a word like fairness, seems less heavy handed/self-rightous for those in situations like mine.

The next step for me is to attend the University of *State*. This is the school which sits less than 10 miles from my house. This is the university which awarded my mother her master’s degree. This is the same college which I hope will bring my ambition one step forward.reword. maybe "bring me one step closer to my goals." Otherwise I do like the parellel construction of the first few lines My pursuit of law began in *Capital*, surrounded by those glaring portraits, and I aim to walk those noisy floors again, I want to do my part to provide justice to those oppressed by their employers. I understand you wanting to brng the essay full circle, but the whole thing, with "provide justice," is a little trite. perhaps a summation such as "my experience in mock trial, journalism, and working with autistic children have given me a well rounded set of experiences that I feel will contribute to my success both in my studies at your university, and in my future endeavors

[cmraider]

OK, I've given my personal statement a complete rewrite. I've incorporated more specific examples and the sources of my motivation. What's changed the most is my intro paragraph. I've scrapped the whole narrative lede and tried to make it more personal. I'd like any comments on my new intro, because I honestly can't figure out whether I like it or not (perhaps that should be a sign).

If experiences define a person, then I have a multifaceted compositionthere are many ways to describe me. I work for a newspaper, but I’m not just a reporter. I worked in a residential treatment center for minors with autism and/or behavior problems, but I’m not just a counselor. I’ve freelanced at an advertising agency, but I’m not just a copywriter. While these individual aspects don’t accurately depict who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be—a lawyer.

[Flustercluck]

If experiences define a person, then I have a multifaceted compositionthere are many ways to describe me. I work for a newspaper, but I’m not just a reporter. I worked in a residential treatment center for minors with autism and/or behavior problems, but I’m not just a counselor. I’ve freelanced at an advertising agency, but I’m not just a copywriter. While these individual aspects don’t accurately depict who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be—a lawyer.

Better, and more direct, but first and last sentence could still use tweakings.

For the first sentence, it's kinda clunky. Try and go towards something more fluid. Trying to insert an anecdote just seems to forced. "As i've moved through my life, i've realize that the experiences I've had go beyone just the titles i've held"

Last sentence should be redone. The way in which those titles describe you is not inaccurate so much as incomplete, based on the way in which your paragraph has been structured. Also, offsetting with a hyphen is anticlimactic. Just restructure the sentence. "These experiences have helped shape who I have become, and have led me to pursue a career in law." Honestly my rewrite seems a little clunky still as well, but something along those lines

[cmraider]

If experiences define a person, then I have a multifaceted compositionthere are many ways to describe me. I work for a newspaper, but I’m not just a reporter. I worked in a residential treatment center for minors with autism and/or behavior problems, but I’m not just a counselor. I’ve freelanced at an advertising agency, but I’m not just a copywriter. While these individual aspects don’t accurately depict who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be—a lawyer.

Better, and more direct, but first and last sentence could still use tweakings.

For the first sentence, it's kinda clunky. Try and go towards something more fluid. Trying to insert an anecdote just seems to forced. "As i've moved through my life, i've realize that the experiences I've had go beyone just the titles i've held"

Last sentence should be redone. The way in which those titles describe you is not inaccurate so much as incomplete, based on the way in which your paragraph has been structured. Also, offsetting with a hyphen is anticlimactic. Just restructure the sentence. "These experiences have helped shape who I have become, and have led me to pursue a career in law." Honestly my rewrite seems a little clunky still as well, but something along those lines

Thanks for the input. I was afraid the middle sentences might come across as being "too cute," so I wanted to throw it to the wolves and see how it stood up. Also, would a colon instead of a dash be more palatable, or should I just avoid it all together?

[Flustercluck]

If experiences define a person, then I have a multifaceted compositionthere are many ways to describe me. I work for a newspaper, but I’m not just a reporter. I worked in a residential treatment center for minors with autism and/or behavior problems, but I’m not just a counselor. I’ve freelanced at an advertising agency, but I’m not just a copywriter. While these individual aspects don’t accurately depict who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be—a lawyer.

Better, and more direct, but first and last sentence could still use tweakings.

For the first sentence, it's kinda clunky. Try and go towards something more fluid. Trying to insert an anecdote just seems to forced. "As i've moved through my life, i've realize that the experiences I've had go beyone just the titles i've held"

Last sentence should be redone. The way in which those titles describe you is not inaccurate so much as incomplete, based on the way in which your paragraph has been structured. Also, offsetting with a hyphen is anticlimactic. Just restructure the sentence. "These experiences have helped shape who I have become, and have led me to pursue a career in law." Honestly my rewrite seems a little clunky still as well, but something along those lines

Thanks for the input. I was afraid the middle sentences might come across as being "too cute," so I wanted to throw it to the wolves and see how it stood up. Also, would a colon instead of a dash be more palatable, or should I just avoid it all together?

It's a matter of personal preference. To me when this conclusion is off-set by a colon or a hyphen, it makes it feel like a "dun dun DUN" moment, know what I mean? Thus it feels kinda anticlimactic because it's in your personal statement for a law school, of course you want to be a lawyer. Just depends on taste I suppose.

[cmraider]

If experiences define a person, then I have a multifaceted compositionthere are many ways to describe me. I work for a newspaper, but I’m not just a reporter. I worked in a residential treatment center for minors with autism and/or behavior problems, but I’m not just a counselor. I’ve freelanced at an advertising agency, but I’m not just a copywriter. While these individual aspects don’t accurately depict who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be—a lawyer.

It's a matter of personal preference. To me when this conclusion is off-set by a colon or a hyphen, it makes it feel like a "dun dun DUN" moment, know what I mean? Thus it feels kinda anticlimactic because it's in your personal statement for a law school, of course you want to be a lawyer. Just depends on taste I suppose.

While these individual aspects don’t offer a complete depiction of who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be.

^How about this? I mean, considering the audience, I figure whoever's reading it can fill in the blanks. Also, the first sentence of the next graph (ppl on this board use para, but in journalism we always call them "graphs") explains where my interest in law started.

[Flustercluck]

While these individual aspects don’t offer a complete depiction of who I am, they do provide a background for what I want to be.

^How about this? I mean, considering the audience, I figure whoever's reading it can fill in the blanks. Also, the first sentence of the next graph (ppl on this board use para, but in journalism we always call them "graphs") explains where my interest in law started.

I like it better, especially if the first sentence mentions law explicitly, ie "I first became interested in law when/during...."

[kublaikahn]

Like a group of freshmen attending our first week of classes, our feet shift in lockstep as we meander through the hallowed halls of the old courthouse, the creak of the hardwood floors testifying to its age. Our anxious gazes shift from the folded papers in our hands to the hickory stained doors as we search for our courtroom. We bear the weight and excitement of our circumstances as we vy for the *State* High School Mock Trial championship. As I stop at the door, a well dressed man smiles as he passes and says, "This is why we do it. This is why we become lawyers." Smiling back, my confidence building, I knew the seed had already been planted—I will become a lawyer.....

If stuck doing the mock trial schtick, this is how I'd do it.

[Camron]

Some of the grammar needs to be reviewed a bit more carefully before you submit this personal statement (in my opinion):

For example, in your first paragraph, "its" should be replaced with "their":

Like a group of freshmen attending its first week of classes

There are some incidences where it appears that a comma was confused for a semi-colon:

Whether it was examining how societal norms have changed, employing logical reasoning or enjoying the intellectual stimulation, my interest in law only grew after I entered college.

Although there are is not set rule on this, I would also try to avoid saying "I'm" (in favor of "I am").

In addition; some sentences/paragraphs sound awkward and/or too informal. I wish I could offer more advice/criticism on the actual statement but I am unfortunately an unqualified source on this beyond some of the things I pointed out (and even then, this may just be my own personal preference). If your prior university offered some sort of peer review service (by Masters/PhD students), I would take a look at utilizing it before you submit your personal statement.