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Much of it reads as a resume regurgitation.

"sitting in rapt attention" - do you really speak like that?

The anecdote can stay, but I wouldn't open with it. It wasn't that interesting. I thought the 2nd para should be eliminated. It's a direct re-write of a resume. The presidential accomplishments can stay.

Adcomms need to find out who you are as a person in 2pgs of text. You need to sit down for a few hours and really brainstorm. Find some personal anecdotes or life situations that shaped you as a person today. And then, IF you can somehow tie that into "why law" then do it. But if you can't, don't feel the need to include "why law."

I think it's easier to tie your traits into "why law" if you have prior legal experience. Pending your numbers, this could be a case where another year off, while gaining some legal experience could seriously boost your application as a whole.

The gist of your personal statement--beyond the resume regurgitation--is that you know how to throw a really good party.

Imho much better then your first attempt. It captivated my interest. However, I came away not with the image you intended... I felt the writer was foolish for refusing medical attention. But I admit, I could be the minority here.

Do you really using words like chagrin and fawning in your day to day writing? Also, what is a show-mom? And why are they "fawning" your injuries and trying to gain your favor.