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Thanks...

Bump

Anyone?

Should I cut either of these paragraphs?

The fifth paragraph is atrocious & should be discarded. The third paragraph shares important insight into who you are &, therefore, should be retained.

The template is excellent. But there are still some flaws. I still maintain the introductory anecdote is too long and drawn out. You have a good story to tell, but it's simply not narrated well. You provide too many useless details.

There are some grammatical issues. I would eliminate any contractions. Don't end sentences with prepositions. For example, "Arriving early and departing late, it became the area of study I was most interested in" is incorrect. Instead, "it became the area of study in which I was most interested" or some variation of that.

The "physical prowess" reference is odd. I think you mean you realized you want to embark on less risky/adventurous tasks and onto more mentally stimulating, mature tasks.

The transition from the classroom to real-world accomplishments needs more clarity. It sounds like you want to stress leadership in your real-world accomplishments, so mention that in the classroom experience. State something like, "The prof stressed the research aspect of law is vital, but she also stressed that great legal minds need to have the ability to lead others to accomplish goals."

The 5th paragraph needs a more confident tone. Tell how you did stuff, and refrain from using "us" "we" "the group."

The final para, I think it would be nice to mention the professor one last time, and state how her words inspired you take on leadership roles in preparation for a well-rounded legal career.

Overall, with only a few edits left, you should be sending this out tonight.

CanadianWolf wrote:The fifth paragraph is atrocious & should be discarded. The third paragraph shares important insight into who you are &, therefore, should be retained.

And to expand, I do feel the 3rd para is important. It seemed a bit lacking. Add more about your background of non-educated parents and (perhaps?) growing up from a blue collar background/town. I believe this was a vital part of all my apps, and has thus far landed me an acceptance in about 2-3 weeks.

I like the consistency of the responses.