Harsh critique plz! Unconventional College Exp PS draft 1 Forum

[jennamc_85]

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[getitdone]

yoo i liked it, the first two sentences could be a little mor enticing, but i def wanted to keep reading the whole time which is a good sign... some errors in there tho- grammatical and such

[jennamc_85]

Thanks! My previous opening was "Many parents drop off their college freshmen at the dorms, extra-long sheets and a miniature refrigerator in tow. Mine dropped me off at a trailer house with an oversized flashlight and a shotgun" just for a little shock value. Thoughts?

[boozehound]

I like the "shotgun" opening better...that's my vote.

[jennamc_85]

I think I will add that and remove "my sites [sic] set on practicing law" in favor of a different idiom to limit the gun references to two.

[mala2]

I like the second opening better too. Overall like the essay

[amers73]

This is a really unique statement, my favorite I've read on here. You have a great story that shows you have the potential to excel in LS, and you presented it in a creative way. My only suggestion would be to write the school specific paragraphs and link why you would fit at the school you are applying to in a few sentences. I did that and its seemed to really help.

Other than a couple of grammatical errors, this is a very solid statement in my opinion.

[jennamc_85]

One critique I have received involved removing the information about study abroad. I realize that study abroad is a common experience, but I think that paragraph adds a lot of interest. Any advice on this?