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I had to stop reading 3/4's through. This was too depressing. Your chrone's story is a good one, and I think it can be used. But shorten it. Tell a short para of your experience, then move on and tell how you overcame it. Also, the stalking thing made me a bit uncomfortable. Leave that out. Make the remainder about you.

Thanks so much for your response. I'm not sure how to leave what happened to me out. Yes, it's an uncomfortable situation but it really shaped me and is the reason why I made all these changes in my life. I'm not sure if you actually made it to the last 1/4 of my statement, but I do go on to mention how I went about changing my life and all the good that came from those changes.

It's so hard because I feel like it really was a few years of tragedy after tragedy which can get depressing so no matter how I edit my statement, I find that if I cut it down any more, then I'm really left with nothing or I'll have to start making things up lol.

Thanks again!

The time jumps in this version are confusing. My suggestion may be a little drastic for you, but since you asked for ripping, here goes. I'd start with your internship at the UN and go from there. That is the part of the story that shows your strengths and ability to make things happen. You do want to bring in the illness and (maybe) the abusive relationship (I would be inclined to skip it or refer to it obliquely) but I would do so in an aside. You co-founded an organization that grew to 500 members in a year. That's quite an accomplishment! Let's get a closeup on the energy, persistence, and interpersonal skills that went into that -- and contrast that to the years you were ill with Crohn's. Illustrate how you picked yourself up and t urned your life around.

By the way, it's the Strait, not the Straight (I was there last summer...Tangier and Tarifa too!)

Is this PS about a trip to Gibralter? Crohn's disease? Stalking? Working with a judge? Starting an Arab Cultural Club? I think the point of a PS is to pick a topic and write about it thoroughly and well, instead of picking 4-5 and writing a little about each of them. Just my $0.02.

It's about how I overcame a good chunk of my young adulthood when I was down on my luck. Like the first response mentioned, it's depressing-- I think a whole statement about my disease would be too much as would definitely be a whole statement about stalking. Taking a break and studying abroad in Morocco that summer is what really helped me sit back, clear my head, and figure out my next moves. The second to last paragraph is just a sum of all the ways I was able to perservere (ie. changing majors...getting my grades up...getting the restraining order...reaching out to my community..and taking control of my life). I never necessarily saw a problem with mentioning all of these things but if they truly are, I'm in big trouble and need to make serious changes. Thanks for the response!

Anyone else? I'm feeling a bit desperate at this stage and of course would love to swap as well if anyone is interested!

Thanks verklempt! Silly mistake on my part

Also, the idea of changing the layout of the statement is enticing. I've thought about starting at different points so I think it's a good suggestion. It makes me super nervous but I'm thinking of creating a separate draft and then seeing what the final product on that looks and comparing.

friendly bump