6th Draft - Brutal Critque Welcome
Posted: Mon Jan 10, 2011 4:46 pm
Thanks for the tips!
First, I can tell this is your 6th draft. So that is good. But I have a few issues:
Delete para 1. I almost yawned after that. But then I was on the edge of my seat for para 2. Open with para 2. I didn't like your Lisa's para. You encountered different people, but you said nothing about what you did or learned. Delete that or play it up. Delete the class you took, also.
Other than that, this is an excellent diversity/communication-based PS. This is the reason a separate "DS" is un-needed. If your diversity is truly important to you, you can find a way to formulate it into a PS. And you have.
Good luck on the edit.