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Thanks!

This seemed to fade off for me. I liked the anecdote a lot. But after that, things got murky. Your life story is great. You have plenty to work with. But you just need to create a clever marketing pitch. Here's what I'd do:

- Lose the title

- Para 1: Keep the anecdote

- Para 2: Keep the purpose the same, but lose the dialog. Mention your dyslexia and and how hard work allowed you to overcome poverty and get into college. Keep the political stuff out of this.

-Para 3: Para 3 and 4 need a new direction. No one cares about your college accomplishments. They are on your resume. And we all have them. You need to focus on the internships. Tell what you accomplished and what skills you developed that you seen would make a good attorney.

-Para 4: Transition into you real life full time work. Discuss your military service. Then discuss the nonprofit stuff. Lose the lofty ambitions you have in law.

- Para 5: Sum it all up in a clever way. No need to discuss why law since para 3 should infer that. Certainly don't discuss a certain law school at this point. I think reverting back to para 1 and para 2 to conclude with a nice outlook towards the future would be an excellent way to end an accomplished PS.

LSATclincher wrote:This seemed to fade off for me. I liked the anecdote a lot. But after that, things got murky. Your life story is great. You have plenty to work with. But you just need to create a clever marketing pitch. Here's what I'd do:

- Lose the title

- Para 1: Keep the anecdote

- Para 2: Keep the purpose the same, but lose the dialog. Mention your dyslexia and and how hard work allowed you to overcome poverty and get into college. Keep the political stuff out of this.

-Para 3: Para 3 and 4 need a new direction. No one cares about your college accomplishments. They are on your resume. And we all have them. You need to focus on the internships. Tell what you accomplished and what skills you developed that you seen would make a good attorney.

-Para 4: Transition into you real life full time work. Discuss your military service. Then discuss the nonprofit stuff. Lose the lofty ambitions you have in law.

- Para 5: Sum it all up in a clever way. No need to discuss why law since para 3 should infer that. Certainly don't discuss a certain law school at this point. I think reverting back to para 1 and para 2 to conclude with a nice outlook towards the future would be an excellent way to end an accomplished PS.

I incorporated all your suggestions except for losing the dialog. Thanks! Anyone else?

bumpetty bump bump

I like it a lot, I feel it's one of the better ones I have read on here. That said:

The phrase pseudo-clerk is sort of slangy I would try to ditch it.
You could lose a few of the lines about wanting to attend law school, you're applying so they know you want to.
Maybe try to play up the determination angle at the end as far as you being your own professor and having a great work ethic combined with an actual desire to learn. I'm not wild about the "oh the places I'll go" end but it's not terrible, just not memorable.
the line "I rectified two previously" seems a bit wordy, I'm not sure rectified is the best word there. Something folksier would make it read better for me.
I think the fact you were in the military is impressive, can you think of anything else to say about it? I don't know where you are lengthwise, but I'm sure you got a lot out of it.

I incorporated the suggestions and expanded on what I learned in the military a little. Thanks!