What do you think of my PS so far? Forum

[Brownadam26]

Throughout a day on Capitol Hill, I discovered the feeling that inspired me to learn the law. While briefing amendments in the Rayburn House Office Building to H.R. 5297 –Small Business Jobs and Credit Act of 2010- for the Small Business Committee, the banking counsel told me to report on the Financial Services Committee conference scheduled to begin in ten minutes. After taking a quick inventory– notepad, briefcase, and identification- I hustled over to the Dirksen Senate Office Building. Upon my arrival at the conference the room was packed. I was forced to stand, squeezed in-between reporters with my back against the wall, briefcase held between my knees, note pad in my left hand and pen readily in my right.

I became galvanized by the ambiance the moment Congressman Barney Frank banged his gavel calling the meeting to order. At that moment, amendments were proposed to the Dodd- Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act - H.R 4173. Thereafter, it became clear to me that I was witnessing arguments to the most sweeping piece of financial legislation since the Great Depression. Following the complex arguments of each amendment to the bill challenged my understanding of business law and manifested a determination to learn more about financial institutions. The back-and-forth of the arguments exceeded my regular work hours; however, I continued to stay until the conference was over because I did not want the feeling I was experiencing to go away.

[NonTradHealthLaw]

This is coming across as self-important with a really weak subject matter - the fact that you were AT the meeting has little more to do with you than if you were watching the happenings on CSPAN. Because the only first person action you conveyed was "hustl[ing] over to the Dirksen Senate Office Building" the situation comes across as a name-drop rather than anything personal.

[kcdc]

Throughout a day on Capitol Hill, I discovered the feeling that inspired me to learn the law. While briefing amendments in the Rayburn House Office Building to H.R. 5297 –Small Business Jobs and Credit Act of 2010- for the Small Business Committee, the banking counsel told me to report on the Financial Services Committee conference scheduled to begin in ten minutes. After taking a quick inventory– notepad, briefcase, and identification- I hustled over to the Dirksen Senate Office Building. Upon my arrival at the conference the room was packed. I was forced to stand, squeezed in-between reporters with my back against the wall, briefcase held between my knees, note pad in my left hand and pen readily in my right.

I became galvanized by the ambiance the moment Congressman Barney Frank banged his gavel calling the meeting to order. At that moment, amendments were proposed to the Dodd- Frank Wall Street Reform and Consumer Protection Act - H.R 4173. Thereafter, it became clear to me that I was witnessing arguments to the most sweeping piece of financial legislation since the Great Depression. Following the complex arguments of each amendment to the bill challenged my understanding of business law and manifested a determination to learn more about financial institutions. The back-and-forth of the arguments exceeded my regular work hours; however, I continued to stay until the conference was over because I did not want the feeling I was experiencing to go away.

[Brownadam26]

Should I scrap it and do something else or continue with the manifested feeling?

[NonTradHealthLaw]

There is no feeling manifested other than "so what." It could probably work as a two sentence nugget of your journey but as is, it's a lot of words that say nothing about you. Remember to show, not tell.