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Tried to overhaul... Any better? Please critique!
Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 9:01 pm
by cayerjt
Deleted
Re: Tried to overhaul... Any better? Please critique!
Posted: Wed Dec 29, 2010 11:17 pm
by jasonc.
Its sooo much better. I actually dont have any bad critiques. you see how much more natural it is? thats good. I suggest you step away give a rest tonight. maybe something will come to you but i like now so i dont have any constructive criticism.
Re: Tried to overhaul... Any better? Please critique!
Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:33 pm
by cayerjt
I really found I had to step away from my own perspective to connect the parts of the story. It was as if it ALL made sense to me but it was really just a list of events. Thank you SO much for all of your help.
Re: Tried to overhaul... Any better? Please critique!
Posted: Thu Dec 30, 2010 10:51 pm
by bmore
Just took a quick glimpse and 2 things jumped out as me.
"I got to see an aspect of the process I never considered as a child" Get rid of the reference to "child". Actuallly rewrite.
"professional demeanor as he went about the task of drafting a powerful letter " Professionaldemeanor drafting a letter?