Give me a critique, thanks Forum

[mediation_86]

still want some feedback.

[mediation_86]

anyone?

[jasonc.]

As the only son of struggling immigrant parents from Vietnam, my mother and father have sacrificed not only their careers in their home country, but their heart and soul in order to give me a better life in America. Being divided by two cultures, at home and at school, led me to become someone who was vulnerable, insecure and confused. With constant problems of communication with my parents, I wanted a sense of home. Thus I looked for the closest thing next to me, my neighborhood. The influences of the wrong crowd in my neighborhood led me to think that belonging to a community was to socially fit into their group. Learning the hard way, I realized that their views were wrong, and that the only true community I belonged to was my family, no matter how socially different they are. Looking back on my actions only made me realize how much I needed to reflect on myself, but also how I could turn that disastrous event into something positive.

Being the first person in my immediate family to go to college, I transformed myself to someone who is ambitious, persistent and confident, in not only academics but also in my social life. I pursued a dual degree in finance and political science and joined a fraternity. Having the feeling of a turnaround in my life, I felt that nothing can stand in the way of my goals. I was on the Dean’s Honors List numerous of times and involved myself with volunteering by helping the homeless through events such as Soup Kitchen. By having four and a half years to reflect and learn from my mistakes, I used the anger, frustration and guilt from my past and transformed that energy into my studies, my community and my work.

get rid or one of these paragraphs or condense.

Also what did you do? was it detrimental to the society. give me more on how you " failed" society at large. you might want to get rid of part where you say your doing this to please mom and dad not necessary to the story

[verklempt]

You have some worthwhile material, but I would take a fresh start for the following reasons:

* I'm not sure why you were arrested, but this kind of incident is a red flag for many schools. (If you need to disclose the arrest on your application, then I would write a brief explanation in a note to admissions, but that's different.)

* Focus on yourself, not your parents. (We know you love them.)

* The tone seems moralistic and preachy. To me, it feels less than authentic.

The most compelling aspect of your story is the personal transformation. But you gloss over it without explaining what motivated it, how you dealt with it, what you learned from the experience. That could be a dynamite PS. What personal attributes enabled you to take hold of yourself and change, and what does that say about how you will approach your studies and your career? Everyone loves to hear about a guy who battled his demons and won. That's your PS.

[mediation_86]

I have written an addendum for my arrest already, but I feel that it should be addressed in my ps because it was a major event in my life. I dont want to get into specifics in the ps about my charges because I feel it would really be a negative.

Should I begin the essay with a story somehow with quotations? or is my intro good enough?

any more criticism? thanks

[kcdc]

I think it reeks of guilt and regret. Yeah, your parents came here to give you a good life and you screwed up and got arrested. You have an addendum to detail your arrest, don't mention it so many times here. Don't say you "owe it to your parents" to go to law school. Don't use the words "disastrous" or "wake-up call". If you absolutely want to use the arrest as the basis for your transformation and have that be the theme of your personal statement, just mention it in the beginning and have the rest focus on positive anecdotes and self-discovery.

Stop punishing yourself. The impression I get after reading this is "this guy wants to go to law school to make his parents proud because he shamed them in the past."

I feel like there's a LOT of directions you could take here, but yours is just... depressing.

Happy to help more if you're interested.