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Final-ish draft. Last-ish chance to humiliate me.
Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:32 am
by Bearlegdairy
Let me kadadssad
Re: Final-ish draft. Last-ish chance to humiliate me.
Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 5:37 am
by dooterdude11
Just read through the first paragraph. There are some tense issues with this. Seems like a good story but go and make sure the grammar works.
Re: Final-ish draft. Last-ish chance to humiliate me.
Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 7:16 am
by sojuteacher
first paragraph -- need comma
Fortunately,
Re: Final-ish draft. Last-ish chance to humiliate me.
Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:01 am
by Bearlegdairy
Bumping one more time before fixing minor grammatical issues and submitting it. Any final suggestions?
Re: Final-ish draft. Last-ish chance to humiliate me.
Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:06 am
by CG614
Bearlegdairy wrote:Let me know what you think.
There were many instances where I was unable to refute them, even if they appeared to be completely nonsensical. It could be rather distressing.
"them" "they" and "it" are ambiguous in these two sentences. I didn't read outside of the first paragraph, but you want to make sure that every sentence is clear and has a purpose.
Re: Final-ish draft. Last-ish chance to humiliate me.
Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 1:25 pm
by Learic
While I have my convictions and do not apologize for them, I firmly in the integrity of the legal process.
This sentence in your final paragraph reads as if a word is missing before "firmly". "Stand" or "Believe" perhaps?
Positives: You have a good flow of vocabulary words that are not too overbearing on the sentences.
My $.02 opinion:
As far as overall reading, you open up questions for me that you never give answers to. Your opening sentence makes me expect that you will soon explain what your social and political awakening was and how it came about, but you never did. You never even explained what course these instructors were challenging you on.
In the third paragraph, you touch on your medical condition. By paragraph five, you talk about overcoming your medical condition...through scholarship? I wasn't sure that this was the message you were trying to convey- that you were able to cure a medical condition by learning how to study better.
Finally, in your conclusion, I would hesitate to overgeneralize about how lawyers may share views directly with those they represent. Because a lawyer is paid to defend a murder defendant, doesn't necessarily translate into the lawyer thinking killing is right. But despite opening your concluding paragraph with your opinion on lawyers and their views, you follow it right back up with your interests and state you aren't apologetic for them. I would rewrite this paragraph and take out any opinions or views that could be seen as condescending and just stick with the facts of what you want to get across about yourself. Stick with your law interests and what you hope to achieve in the profession.