Second draft, not sure if I made it worse... Forum

[rockspaperjesus]

.

[rockspaperjesus]

anyone? i could really use the help

[DamnLSAT]

I will read and comment, if you do the same to mine.

[MegD]

I experienced somewhat similar familial situations. My first PS focused heavily on my father's (and sister's) drug habits and how that inadvertently shaped me into a strong, motivated person. I think you write beautifully, but the comments on here and from my friends suggested that I focus less on the "dysfunctional childhood" and more on what I have become because of it. I am still struggling to make this happen in mine, but would gladly read another draft if you attempt to do the same with your statement.

*Not much help, I know, but hopefully the comments I received can shed light on your statement*

[rockspaperjesus]

I experienced somewhat similar familial situations. My first PS focused heavily on my father's (and sister's) drug habits and how that inadvertently shaped me into a strong, motivated person. I think you write beautifully, but the comments on here and from my friends suggested that I focus less on the "dysfunctional childhood" and more on what I have become because of it. I am still struggling to make this happen in mine, but would gladly read another draft if you attempt to do the same with your statement.

*Not much help, I know, but hopefully the comments I received can shed light on your statement*

Thanks for your comments, I am also struggling with that quite a bit. I'd be glad to read yours also if you decide to move in that direction.

[Learic]

I think this is a touching story, however, I am not sure why this makes you a good candidate for law school. I am left feeling that I know more about your father than yourself, and he's not applying to school. I would add in how these events have changed your life and what you hope to do with that in law school.

[CanadianWolf]

Not good. Unlikely to be effective helping you get into law school. Too long with too few real insights. I recall reading a much better version about two weeks ago. As written, you do not present yourself as a likable or interesting person. This is an angry, cathartic, sympathy-seeking essay.

[rockspaperjesus]

Not good. Unlikely to be effective helping you get into law school. Too long with too few real insights. I recall reading a much better version about two weeks ago. As written, you do not present yourself as a likable or interesting person. This is an angry, cathartic, sympathy-seeking essay.

haha, ouch. I'm not sure I completely understand, this version is not all that much different than the last. I made it shorter, but did not, to my knowledge, add any anger. I am not currently angry about the situation so that is confusing to me. Could you expand?

[krad]

I experienced somewhat similar familial situations. My first PS focused heavily on my father's (and sister's) drug habits and how that inadvertently shaped me into a strong, motivated person. I think you write beautifully, but the comments on here and from my friends suggested that I focus less on the "dysfunctional childhood" and more on what [you] have become because of it. I am still struggling to make this happen in mine, but would gladly read another draft if you attempt to do the same with your statement.

*Not much help, I know, but hopefully the comments I received can shed light on your statement*

From a cursory read, I would agree with this as well.

Good luck!

[CanadianWolf]

A portrayal of an angry child/childhood.

[rockspaperjesus]

A portrayal of an angry child/childhood.

As sad childhood, something I can't change and that has truly shaped the person I am today. Do you have any suggestions? I would like to make this work and from your comments on the previous version, it seemed like you thought that was a possibility.

[vissidarte27]

I'd really like to see more of how this experience affected you. Less about the actual experience itself and more about the aftermath, about how that ties in to your desire to go to law school. What does your fathers drug problem have to do with you wanting to be a lawyer? How do they relate?

That is what is missing from this, IMO. The connection.

[el pan de platano]

I felt like your last paragraph should be about halfway through your essay. Keep the current length, but mirror the negative in the first half with positive in the second. You do write pretty well though.